Beware, The Rapture is upon us! Start repenting at once, because by this time tomorrow you will either be:
- Sucked into Heaven by the second coming of Jesus, or
- Doomed to spend another 5 months enduring Hell on earth before Satan welcomes you to his fiery abode
At least, this is what a small group of wacky Christians led by Harold Camping would like you to believe.
I have heard some asinine questions posed in relation to The Rapture. I think the most entertaining was, “What will happen to my pet if I’m taken to Heaven?” Even better was the response from a group of atheists who began offering post-Rapture pet insurance to believers who are sure they’re poised for the Great Ascent. There have actually been 259 people who paid $135 to have their pet cared for by an atheist. Too bad I’m a Jew by pedigree. I could’ve gotten in on some easy cash if I were an official card carrying atheist.
But I’m interested in a slightly different question. One that I have yet to hear anyone utter, most likely for fear of the sheer blasphemy it implies. My question is: What happens to women with breast implants? Will Jesus bring them to Heaven during The Rapture, or do they violate some ancient biblical laws regarding plastic surgery?
I only ask because I’m wondering what the potential dating pool will look like next week. Will I be stuck courting vain, superficial women flaunting their gaudy breast implants, or will I be able to find a nice, down-to-earth girl who sees the value in staying au naturale? I’m really hoping Jesus is a fake boob man.
Bible Leaves No Clues
I’ve been scouring the Internet all day to find some sort of clue that would unlock the secret to this mystery. The best I could find are a few Christian theological websites claiming that the bible does not specifically address plastic surgery. Gee, you don’t say. I would find it a bit strange if there were any passages on plastic surgery in the bible. This field of elective medicine didn’t exist in the days when Jesus first roamed the earth.
But then again, if God is all-knowing, I suppose He could have foreseen the coming of the boob job. However, giving this little secret away nearly 2000 years ago (5000 if you are talking Old Testament) would probably have rattled His faithful followers in ancient times. “A sack full of silicone that makes your breasts bigger. It’s a miracle! What is silicone anyway?” (editor’s note: read this quote with thick, Jackie Mason-like Jewish accent)
End of the World Party
Of course, this takes me back to my original question. When Jesus makes his grand return to earth tomorrow to suck all of those who truly believe into Heaven, will he look favorably on those who turned to breast augmentation? After all, they have done everything possible to look their best for the Big Man on Judgment Day. They deserve to be rewarded for their efforts.
If we’re lucky, Jesus likes the porn. That way, he’ll want to surround himself with the many big breasted babes scattered throughout the pages of his favorite smut magazines. Wouldn’t it be ironic if Harold Camping got Raptured up to Heaven only to find out that it was essentially a giant orgy designed to provide Jesus with an eternity of silicone-breasted pleasure? Talk about a massive dose of karma for the 89-year-old cult leader.
I’m pretty confident that if I wasn’t already punching a ticket to Hell, this blog post will seal the deal. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m sure the Hell-on-earth party will be much more fun than the one thrown by Harold Camping and the rest of his Rapture followers. And if I’m lucky, our party will be free of unsightly breast implants. No need to spend the next five months surrounded by the Silicone Nation.