Say it ain’t so Ozzy. Have you really sunk this low? Somewhere in the depths of my childhood memories, I still have this vision of the person you used to be. How did you ever stray so far from that person?
Sadly, this latest episode will only serve to further tarnish the reputation of the former godfather of metal. I can’t believe I’m even repeating this, but here goes:
This summer, Sharon Osbourne plans to have her breast implants removed, and she is giving them to Ozzy as a gift. In a few short months, her used breast implants will be paperweights on Ozzy’s desk.
I don’t know where to start on this one. How about here – Ozzy sits at a desk? Really? Does he even know how to read? The guy who bit the head off of a live bat at a show is reading the Sunday Times and paying bills at his desk. Maybe even analyzing records of his stock portfolio, which will soon be firmly secured on this desk underneath a pair of silicone implant paperweights. Not quite the mental image I expect when I think of Ozzy. I wonder if he’ll be wearing reading glasses when he organizes his bills underneath those fancy new paperweights. This is the metal icon of my youth.
I’m thinking there must be some better uses for Sharon’s discarded breast implants. Here are the first few that come to mind:
- Ozzy can learn to juggle. It can be part of his stage act for the next OzzFest tour. He’ll juggle the implants until they pop, oozing silicone all over his geriatric hands.
- Ozzy can revamp his pyrotechnic show. The next time he goes on stage, he should douse the implants with gasoline and light them on fire. Behind him, the band would launch into the most epic version of Goodbye to Romance ever played.
- Ozzy can use them as weapons, hurling them at heckling fans in the front row.
- Ozzy can use them as sofa pillows. He and Sharon can lean up against them and cuddle when they watch reruns of The Osbournes on DVD.
- Ozzy can use them as Frisbees and throw them to his dogs.
- Ozzy can regift them to his daughter Kelly, who may be in the market for breast augmentation to jumpstart her sputtering music career.
- Ozzy can stick them in the freezer and use them as ice packs to keep his beer cold when he takes the family on a picnic.
- Ozzy can sell them on ebay to a die-hard fan.