I suppose now I have another bloated, narcissistic, overly self-important awards show to avoid like the plague. As if the world of plastic surgery wasn’t already tacky enough, they have found a way to up the ante even further. Not to be outdone by the music and film industries, plastic surgeons decided to stage an award show of their own last weekend. And just like that, The Aesthetic Awards were born.
The awards ceremony was held in one of the only two cities sufficiently devoid of soul to accommodate this fiasco – Las Vegas (Los Angeles would have also fit the bill perfectly). Under the neon glow of the Vegas strip, hordes of plastic surgeons gathered for an evening of self-aggrandizing and revelry. Hopefully they left their scalpels at home. Otherwise, they might give new meaning to a walk down the “red” carpet.
Of course, it should come as no surprise that this horrific event was sponsored by Allergan, the plastic surgery pimps who have brought us products such as BOTOX, Juvederm, Natrelle breast implants, and Viagra (gotta throw a bone to the dirty old men who want to get it on with these artificial looking babes).
And the Winner Is…
Plastic surgeons from across the country gathered to find out if they would be named a winner in one of the following categories:
- Best Facial Injectable Enhancement
- Best Surgical Facial Rejuvenation Enhancement
- Best Non-Surgical Facial Rejuvenation Enhancement
- Best Surgical Body Shaping Enhancement
- Best Non-Invasive Body Shaping Enhancement
- Best Overall Facial Make-Over (combination of procedures)
- Best Overall Body Makeover (combination of procedures)
And then there was the most coveted prize, the Best Picture equivalent of the Aesthetic Awards:
- Best Overall Patient Enhancement
That’s right. Turn an ugly duckling into a swan, dig deep and pull out all your magic tricks, create a Frankenstunner, and you might actually be given the grand prize “Best Overall Patient Enhancement.” But better make sure that patient started out real hideous. Otherwise you don’t stand a chance.
I’m somewhat surprised at the one major omission on this awards list. Where is the “Best Boob Job” award? I mean, let’s be honest. Breast augmentation is the bread and butter of most plastic surgery practices. A boob job is a dime a dozen in this country. Why not acknowledge the surgeon who performs them better than the rest? It would be a huge boon to his business if he could advertise “Award Winning Boob Jobs.” If one of our surgeons could boast that accomplishment, I’d beat it to death on his website. You’d see it everywhere till it made you nauseous.
I suppose congratulations are in order for Dr. Peter Newen. He came home the big winner, grabbing the Best Overall Patient Enhancement award along with the Best Overall Facial Make-Over award. Of course, he’s from Orange County, California, where plastic grows on palm trees. I’m sure he would tell you his patients are the big winners.
That’s an Award?
Judging by that award in Dr. Newen’s hands, it seems like they need to go back to the drawing board before next year’s award ceremony. Consider the trophies for winners of other awards ceremonies:
- The Grammys give out a really cool gold phonograph
- The Oscars give out an elegant, bald, golden statue
- The Tony Awards give out a detailed, yet disturbing medallion with two very frightening faces on it
- The MTV VMAs give out a silver statue of a spaceman setting the MTV flag on the moon (hearkening back to their founding days)
But what the hell is that award Dr. Newen is holding? Pretty paltry if you ask me. Not nearly narcissistic and gaudy enough for the profession it is honoring. I think next year, the Aesthetic Awards should give out a golden boob. That seems much more appropriate, don’t you think?
After his big night at the Aesthetic Awards, Dr. Newen will most likely be booked through the end of the decade.