Dr. Michael Salzhauer, an Orthodox Jewish plastic surgeon in Miami, is on a roll. He is pushing the nose job to levels never before imagined, and it seems like he’s just getting started. You might remember Dr. Salzhauer from my previous post – he’s the same plastic surgeon that has come under fire from the ASPS for creating the Jewcan Sam Nose Job Love Story video. If you haven’t seen the video yet, I encourage you to watch it. It’s pretty entertaining.
As an Orthodox Jewish plastic surgeon, it should come as no surprise that Dr. Salzhauer has somewhat of an obsession with big noses. After all, a giant schnoz is the carrying card of all self-respecting Jews. Centuries of ridicule have made this trait synonymous with our people.
Unfortunately, this trait isn’t always deemed the most attractive by others. In fact, it has ruined the love lives of many of my tribesmen and tribeswomen over the years, prompting them to go under the knife in order to improve their success in the dating world.
I can attest to this firsthand. Growing up in a Jewish area of Long Island, I remember many classmates who showed up for high school after their Sweet 16 with a new nose. In some cases, it definitely helped their dating lives. I’m not saying I approve of this phenomenon, I’m just stating the facts as I’ve seen them.
Nose Job Scholarship Fund
This problem doesn’t just affect secular Jews on Long Island, it affects all Jews. In fact, despite the strong pressure from their families to marry within the faith, many Orthodox Jews find that their humongous schnoz makes it difficult to land the guy or girl of their dreams. Oy vey! When your nose stands out as overly large among a group of big-nosed people, you know you are in trouble.
As a card-carrying Member of the Tribe and nose job patient himself, Dr. Salzhauer is well aware of this affliction. “I had a big Jewish nose growing up,” he said, “Trust me, it was a doozy. I enjoy noses. I identify with the operation.”
As a result, the self-proclaimed “Nose King of Miami” is committed to helping other Jews overcome their aesthetic handicap. To accomplish this goal, he has launched a scholarship fund for members of the Orthodox Jewish community. Dr. Salzhauer will perform a free nose job for all scholarship recipients in order to help them boost their chances of finding that love connection. Mazel tov people. You are about to get some action!
Criteria for a Nose Job Scholarship
Believe it or not, simply being an Orthodox Jew with a big nose is not enough to get a free nose job from Dr. Salzhauer. You actually must qualify for his program. Here are the criteria:
- You must be referred by your matchmaker (shockingly, there are still matchmakers in the Orthodox community – I guess they are still resisting leaving the 19th Century)
- You must have parental consent if under the age of 18
- Your matchmaker or rabbi must verify that you couldn’t afford the procedure on your own
- You must meet standard medical, aesthetic, and psychological criteria associated with nose job candidacy
In Defense of His Nose Job Scholarship Program
Dr. Salzhauer is well aware that this program will cause quite a bit of controversy – both among the Miami Orthodox Jewish community and the plastic surgery community. However, he stands behind his program and is proud to help fellow big-nosed Jews have an easier time finding a suitable match for marriage and procreation. “There are many leniencies for the purpose of marriage,” he says, “and as long as it’s done in a safe way, the idea of changing your body is not in and of itself against Jewish law.”
That may be the case for secular Jews who scoff at keeping Kosher out of their fierce loyalty to bacon. But how do other Orthodox Jews feel about this?
Rabbi Benzion Klatzko is all for the scholarship fund. He’s seen too many good marital candidates get overlooked at the Shabbat table, and he supports any method that will help these fine young men and women more easily find a mate with whom to shatter the glass under the Chuppa.
Paul Root Wolpe, Director of the Center for Ethics at Emory University, is also a supporter. “It is not surprising that someone should propose plastic surgery to try to enhance matrimonial chances,” he said. After all, for even the most religious, their faith in God can’t compete with the power of a raging boner.
Currently, Dr. Salzhauer has about 15 potential scholarship candidates hoping to boost their chances of marriage with a new nose. And who knows, maybe this will give them what it takes to get noticed and score that oh-so-difficult first date. A true mitzvah!
Why the Nose?
But I have to wonder – why nose jobs? I understand that many Jews have big, unflattering noses. But why are we assuming that this will make the difference in turning a non-existent love life into a scorching love life?
Why not offer free breast augmentation? Big boobs have helped many women improve their dating options. And it draws attention away from your big honker of a nose.
Or what about free buttock augmentation? Lots of people these days like a big butt. Just ask Sir Mix-A-Lot (he cannot lie). I would think that flat-chested women and bony-butted people are just as deserving of some loving as big-nosed people.
I suppose that is a debate for another blog. This one is already getting pretty long.
