Here’s a story that gives a new meaning to the term “bitch slap.” A Thai natural health practitioner claims she can make your breasts larger without the use of surgery, although I’d say her methods seem like they’d be almost as painful. Welcome to the world of breast slapping.
That’s right. Beat on those breasts. Hit them again and again, till they get bigger. That’s all there is to it. Spank away, and soon enough you’ll be sporting more cleavage and wearing a bigger bra than ever before.
Sounds simple, right? Well, not exactly. According to Khunying Tobnom, the 44-year-old natural healer, you must use a special technique found in traditional Thai therapy. Currently, Tobnom is the only woman on the planet who knows this technique, although that might change very soon (more on that later).
Tobnom said she learned the breast slapping technique from her grandmother, who showed it to her when she tried to increase the size of her breasts as a teenager. Breast slapping involves kneading, massaging, and putting an outright beat-down on the breasts to make them larger. The technique accomplishes its breast augmentation goals by shifting fat from one region to another. As excess fat moves into the breasts, they start to grow.
If you think this is a bunch of Thai voodoo, think again. The government has endorsed the practice as a viable alternative to plastic surgery. In fact, a study conducted by the Thai Health Ministry found that breast slapping left patient’s breasts noticeably larger. But then again, this endorsement is coming from a government that also condones caning as a form of punishment for minor criminal offenses, so maybe we should take their recommendation with a grain of salt.
According to Tobnom, you can expect your post-slap breast size to be several inches larger than your pre-slap size. However, not everyone can expect to achieve miraculous results from breast slapping. Tobnom says, “Sometimes we have to refuse treatment because some breasts are too small to be enlarged.”
Ultimately, you must keep in mind that breast slapping can only yield modest results. “If you really want to enlarge your breasts,” Tobnom says, “have plastic surgery to get them as big as you want.”
To see breast slapping in action, watch the video here: watch?v=ttLo175wyzI
Not Just for Breasts
If after reading this, you find yourself saying, “Jeez, I wish they would offer this for other body parts,” then your prayers have been answered. People looking for a Beyonce-style badonkadonk can go for buttock slapping treatments. And if you are looking to refresh your facial complexion, you can sign up for a few face slapping sessions.
Wow. A bona fide alternative to the Brazilian Butt Lift that doesn’t involve sucking fat out of another part of your body. And someone will “slap dat ass” until you feel like a porn star. Sounds like a nympho’s wet dream.
As for face slapping, I’m a bit more skeptical. If it were legit, why wouldn’t boxers all look ten years younger than they are? Besides, I doubt a treatment like that would fly in the United States. Women who went for a face slapping session would have to worry that their husband might be arrested under suspicion of domestic violence while that black eye heals.
Right now, Tobnom has a monopoly on the market for breast slapping services. She claims that this highly unusual technique has not been passed down to very many modern healers. “Ancient people didn’t share it much because back then people didn’t care about breast size.” But now that breast augmentation has become one of the world’s most popular plastic surgery procedures, her breast slapping technique is a potential goldmine. Lucky for Tobnom, she became obsessed with her breasts at an early enough age to receive this ancient wisdom from her grandmother.
Now, she has decided to pass this knowledge onto a few lucky protégés. “I believe my wisdom is very valuable. It’s a heritage from my grandmother and I’m the only one in the world who can practice this wisdom,” she says. And as the word spreads about this non-surgical plastic surgery alternative, the value of this knowledge has skyrocketed.
If you are one of the ten lucky people to be accepted into Tobnom’s training program, you had better have a few pennies saved up in your piggy bank, because I don’t think you can take out student loans to complete this program. And believe me, this course will put a serious dent the bank account of those who identify as being among the affluent.
Tuition fees for Tobnom’s training courses are as follows:
- Body slapping – $330,000
- Breast slapping – $263,000
- Face slapping – $164,000
At those prices, I’d say it’s amazing she can even find 10 students. But if you don’t care about learning this hokie Jedi voodoo, you can save a lot of money by just paying for Tobnom to personally give you a cosmetic beat-down. Six 10-minute sessions at her clinic will only cost you $380. That’s a relative bargain compared to plastic surgery, even once you factor in the cost of a flight to Bangkok.