And now for the thrilling conclusion to “Tainted Implants” — a story of demonic possession and of course, silicone…
When these women died of unnatural causes – which was almost always the case with the Organ Miner’s cadavers – the spirit of the dead woman would enter the breast implants and stay housed in the silicone. Once inserted into a new body, these tainted implants would gradually come to possess their new owner, bringing the souls of dead back-alley crack whores, strippers, and junkies to Marin County in droves.
Peculiar stories began to surface as these straight-laced housewives began taking on the personalities of their possessed breast implants:
- A woman in San Rafael began pinching nuggets from her 17-year-old son’s marijuana stash.
- At parent-teacher conferences in a high school in Sausalito, the equipment in the chemistry room mysteriously disappeared. Several weeks later, a meth lab was discovered in the valedictorian’s basement. His mother hadn’t come out of the basement since she returned from conferences.
- At a 10-and-under little league game in Mill Valley, the pitcher’s mother was caught having sex with the umpire in the dugout just before the game was supposed to start.
- The mayor of San Geronimo returned home for dinner one night to find his wife dressed in stiletto heels, fish nets, a bra, and a thong. She told him she’d give him the best lap dance of his life for $100.
At first, these incidents were only occurring sporadically. These women would experience strange urges which they would struggle to suppress. But with each passing transgression, the spirit inside the breast implants would grow emboldened, tightening its grasp on the soccer mom’s soul. It was only a matter of time before these women were unrecognizable to their loved ones.
It didn’t take long for all of Marin County to degenerate into a cesspool of sin and decadence. Middle age women shirked their domestic and parental responsibilities as they succumbed to a life of drug addiction, prostitution, and theft. Marin had become the Tenderloin. And there was no logical explanation for the transformation.
Eventually, a few angry husbands formed a support group. They would meet once a week at the San Geronimo Cultural Center to share horror stories of their formerly respectable wives who were now diving into the deep abyss that is the life of a crack whore or a junky. At one of these meetings, one angry husband made a startling discovery – each man in attendance had a wife who received black market breast augmentation from the Organ Miner.
The next day, several men from the support group traveled to the Tenderloin to visit the Organ Miner. When they arrived, he was ripping a set of D cup implants out of a dead transvestite hooker with track marks running all the way up each arm.
A wave of emotions fell over these men – shock gave way to disgust, which ultimately became anger. The Organ Miner had no chance. Before he knew it, he was strapped down on one of his mortician tables with an IV tube attached to a vein in his right arm. The angry husbands then proceeded to pump all of the tainted silicone into his blood stream.
Gallons upon gallons of possessed implant innards began flowing through his body. There were literally hundreds of dead crack whore spirits fighting for supremacy in his soul. It wasn’t long before the Organ Miner went insane. In a fit of rage, he grabbed a scalpel and gouged the vein receiving the tainted silicone transfusion. The angry husbands cowered as blood began spurting across the mortuary, splattering the walls with dark crimson Rorschach blots.
The angry husbands returned home to Marin determined to reign in their wives, who were now thoroughly running amok through town. Before leaving the mortuary, they stole the Organ Miner’s supply of valium. It didn’t take much coaxing to get these voracious pill poppers to dip their fingers in the valium jar. In their sedated state, they were brought to legitimate plastic surgeons who removed the tainted implants.
Of course, this was wishful thinking on the part of the angry husbands. Once a soul is possessed, it takes more than removing a set of satanic breast implants to release the soccer mom’s true essence. This incident gave new meaning to the mommy makeover procedure. Unfortunately, the true victims were the husbands and children who were forced to live under the same roof as these hedonistic, overly promiscuous, drug fiend women. Marin County has never been the same since.
Editor’s note: The ideas in this story are strictly the product of the writer’s imagination and do not reflect the views or opinions of the surgeon. This story is meant to entertain those who enjoy the Halloween spirit.