Last week, I was combing the newswire looking for some new freakish plastic surgery tales to sarcastically tear to shreds in my blog. It was a relatively quiet week in the world of plastic surgery – if you ignore the fact that Sheyla Hershey had her 38KKK breast implants removed and the BOTOX® Bandit was sentenced to probation. Yeah, they kind of sucked up all the major headlines, while everything else paled in comparison.
Except for one rather curious entry on my “plastic surgery radar.” It instantly piqued my attention despite being grossly overshadowed by the two main events in last week’s news. This choice nugget was not a news article or a blog post. No, it was an honest and innocent question raised by an inquisitive mind: “What happens to breast implants in buried corpses?”
I have to admit, this question has never once crossed my mind in my two plus years writing this blog. It seems pretty asinine and begs for the response, “Get a hobby!” Yet, some insatiable curiosity was roused deep inside my gut as soon as I read the question, and I instantly needed to learn the answer.
Of course, I would be denied in my thirst for this knowledge, but not for a lack of being entertained. While the women who posed the question clearly has an active mind, she lacks the brainpower to put this activity to good use. Here is how she so eloquently phrased her question:
“When a person with silicon breast implants dies, and they are buried, do their fake boobs just stay in the ground. And also, If a person is cremated, do they have to remove them do to air pollution concerns.
If a person does have fake boobs, shouldn’t they be indifferent at the funeral home and be disposed of as industrial dissipate?
I was just curious btw, and no i don’t have surpass things to reckon about, i thought it was a honestly legitimate interest. I have a very active mind and I always reckon about these sorts of things. I apologize if I offended anyone. Thanks for all the serious answers though.”
It would be very easy for the sarcastic New Yorker in me to come out and tear into all of the blatant errors, misspellings, and incoherencies in this question. After all, I am a self-righteous writer. However, my purpose here is not to rip this poor mentally challenged woman to shreds. Enough people already did that in their online responses to her question (my favorite was, “They are taken out before burial so that they can be re-used recycling!”).
Instead, I would like to thank her for the monstrosity she has inspired.
I have decided that I will answer this question properly. Not once, not twice, but three times. In three different ways. But wait, there’s a twist…
Each answer will be in the form of a scary story about breast implants and dead bodies. Consider this my Halloween-themed plastic surgery blog series for the month of October. Each week until Halloween, I will write a new installment of the “Boob Jobs and Corpses” series in an attempt to answer the lofty question, “What happens to breast implants in buried corpses?”
Of course, I may take a few liberties. The corpses in my stories may not exactly be buried. They may be legions of the Undead, praying on the silicone enhanced bodies of the characters I’ve written about in past blogs. Or they may be silicone zombies praying on the living, breathing, survivors of botched breast augmentation fiascos. Or they may just be twisted tales concocted by me which are tangentially related to breast implants and dead people. Consider me the Cosmetic Surgery Crypt Keeper, regaling you with my weekly harrowing tale of blood, lust, murder, and of course, silicone. Hehehe.
Stay tuned for next week’s post, when the real insanity begins. If you are not scared yet, don’t worry. You will be. You will be.