It’s hard to believe, but I’ve actually been writing this blog for almost four years now. During that time, I’ve come across more than my share of weirdos and freaks who are a slave to the silicone. I never cease to find myself shocked and appalled by the lengths people will go for a nip and a tuck. In many ways, these plastic surgery addicts may be even more beholden to their “master” than heroin addicts.
Wait, did I just say that plastic surgery addicts are lower on the evolutionary food chain than heroin addicts? I believe I did, and for good reason. Over their lifetime, they generally spend more money, mutilate their bodies more, and give into the never-satiating urge to push their addictions to new levels in a way that eclipses your common smack junkie. Sure, there are no devastating withdrawal pangs for plastic surgery addicts and no sunken-eyed appearance (unless they are recovering from blepharoplasty), but I’d say the plastic surgery freaks have it much worse than those who bow down to what James Brown once referred to as “King Heroin.”
So in honor of four years of mocking the pathetic existence of plastic surgery addicts, I would like to highlight some of the greatest plastic surgery freaks of all time. Some of these people have been regularly featured in this blog over the years, while others are making their first ever appearance as a member of this list – just to keep it a bit fresh.
I would like to point out that celebrities are not eligible for this list. We are looking for the underground freaks that are not highlighted in the tabloids. So you won’t find Michael Jackson, Joan Rivers, or Mickey Rourke on this list. And while I would hardly consider Heidi Montag a celebrity, she does regularly grace the covers of the tabloids so you won’t see her on this list either.
And now, for the top five biggest plastic surgery freaks (in no particular order)…
Justin Jedlica (aka “The Human Ken Doll”)
Justin is a newcomer to this blog, and I’m amazed I’ve never heard of him before. But I’m happy to know that there is a real life “Human Ken” out there to be paired with our real life “Human Barbie” (more on her later).
Justin is 32, but even at his young age he is no stranger to the plastic surgeon’s scalpel. In the past decade, he has undergone more than 90 plastic surgery procedures and spent over $100,000 in an effort to become more like the little plastic doll put out by the people from Mattel.
The Human Ken has quite the chiseled physique, but don’t be fooled into thinking he is a gym rat. In fact, he doesn’t believe in working out at all. According to Justin, going to the gym is “so not exciting, glamorous, or fabulous.” But of course, nothing screams glamorous like stuffing dozens of silicone implants into your body. The Human Ken has used bicep, tricep, and pectoral implants to fabricate a phony gym body that probably masks an underlying layer of flab.
But his body is not his only concern. The Human Ken also wants to be really, really, good looking. His plastic surgery addiction actually started with a nose job nearly ten years ago. Since then, he has gone through four additional nose jobs, four lip augmentation procedures, and cheek augmentation.
I’d say he’s getting pretty close to the Derek Zoolander look, but can he give a kick ass eugoogoly?
For those of you who are wondering, Lacey Wildd is not the name her parents gave her. That was actually Paula Simonds. But I have to admit, Lacey Wildd makes for a great porn star name and she’s got the boobs to go along with it.
Lacey is the other newcomer to our list. The 44-year-old has six kids, and probably as many mommy makeovers. She has gone for two tummy tucks, four full body liposuctions, abs sculpting, buttock implants, and two buttock lifts.
But none of these procedures have gotten her closer to attaining her ultimate goal. Her plastic surgery addiction is fueled by a singular focus – she hopes to one day have the world’s largest breasts. She’s actually getting pretty close. Her current LLL-cup size ranks 7th on the “all time largest breasts in the world” list.
Last year, she almost went for her 13th breast augmentation procedure, which would have boosted her to MMM cups and the title of world’s largest breasted woman. I’m thinking it’s only a matter of time before she takes the plunge. Currently her breasts weigh in at a whopping 21 pounds. That can’t be good for her back. I wonder how much worse those MMMs will feel as she’s cleaning up after six kids.
Interestingly, Lacey was a self-proclaimed tom-boy as a kid. But after popping out a few kids as a teenager (what a shock) and slogging it out as a waitress for a few years, Lacey decided there had to be a better way. That is when she transformed herself from Paula Simonds, white trash teenage single mom tom-boy into Lacey Wildd, over-augmented white trash breast model with an insatiable desire for silicone.
If you are wondering how a single mother of six can pay for all of these procedures and still put food on the table for all those kids, you can take comfort in the fact that her LLL cups are somewhat of a meal ticket. Her average annual salary as a breast model is around $250,000.
The rest of my top 5 biggest plastic surgery freaks will be revealed in part 2 of this blog post. Check back shortly.
If you live in Denver, Colorado and would like to throw your hat in the ring as an up-and-coming plastic surgery freak, please contact Grossman Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation.