“Ashes to ashes, dust to bust” has likely become Sandi Canseco’s mantra. The 26-year-old widow has apparently taken her “Till death do us part” vows very seriously, perhaps even too seriously. I suppose at this point, Sandi and her dead husband Dustin will truly be together forever – in life, death, and even in the afterlife.
After Dustin died in a road accident, Sandi went to great lengths to make sure he would stay close to her heart. In a bizarre move, she had his ashes sewn into her breast implants.
“It dawned on me that if I carried Dustin’s cremated remains in my breast implants, I’d never really have to part with him at all,” Sandi told reporters.
That may be true, but it also may create several other issues for her down the road. Let’s examine each in turn.
What about New Guys?
I realize Sandi is extremely traumatized by the untimely death of the love of her life. But sooner or later, she’s going to realize that she has many more decades left on this planet, and it’s time to start living again. Most likely, those cremated remains lodged in her breast implants will not make for great conversation or give her that tingly feeling deep inside that she will eventually crave again (likely very soon – her clock will start ticking in a few years).
So while Dustin will always be near and dear to her heart (both literally and figuratively), sometime soon there will be some new guy making Sandi scream out in the throes of passion and ecstasy. And that guy will probably be grabbing her surgically enhanced boobs without realizing that he’s copping a feel of her dead husband.
Does it get any creepier than this?
What happens when she finally remarries and the socially awkward/oblivious relative gives a speech about how he never thought he’d see Sandi move on after she stuffed dead Dustin’s ashes in her breast implants? Someone at the wedding is probably going to faint, vomit, or try to dig those implants out with a meat cleaver.
Avoiding the Threesome
Sorry, but I just had to bring this one up. I hope Sandi likes threesomes, because she’s going to have one every time she’s with another guy. Hopefully she can find some kinky dudes who are down with sucking the dead, ashy nectar out of her bosom.
Once again, I find myself asking – does it get any creepier than this?
How will His Relatives React?
Will it be awkward when she runs into Dustin’s parents or siblings in the future? Will they just start staring at her breasts and start to cry? Will the dirtball younger brother use it as an excuse to cop a feel? He could tell her, “I just wanted to pay my respects to Dustin.”
What Happens when those Breast Implants Wear Out?
Sandi is only 26. Those breast implants are not going to last forever. Sooner or later, she will need to undergo a breast augmentation revision procedure to replace them. What happens to Dustin when it’s time to remove those breast implants?
Will she keep the old breast implants and put them in an urn on her mantle? Will she scatter the ashy silicone in the ocean? Will she keep them in her purse so she can feel Dustin’s presence everywhere she goes?
I can just imagine the conversation she has with her next plastic surgeon. “Be careful with those, doc. My dead husband’s ashes are in there.”
Worst case scenario – what happens if her breast implant ruptures? Then she’ll have Dustin’s ashes leaking throughout her body. He’ll not only be close to her heart, he’ll also invade every vital organ of her body.
Regardless, there is one thing that we can all agree on. It will likely be a long time before poor Dustin arrives at his final resting place. Until then, he’ll have to make due being encased in medical-grade silicone. Talk about a tortured soul.