Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Mother’s Breast Implants

This advice, while quite prudent, was clearly not heeded by the Marshalls, the resident British queens of breast augmentation. When I give them this distinction, I am not trying to be witty or sarcastic. They have legitimately earned this rather dubious honor.

Chantal Marshall and four of her nine daughters have combined for nine breast augmentations between them, setting a record for the most breast surgeries by a British family. Of course, this is a source of great pride to the Marshall clan, who have even gone as far as calling their home Silicone City. A bit sick and twisted if you ask me, but I guess everyone needs something to be proud of.

You might be wondering why they needed nine operations to improve the breasts of five women. Did the doctors botch a few of the initial operations, requiring extensive revision surgery to get it right? If so, this would speak volumes about the Marshall women’s ability to pick a plastic surgeon.

But alas, there are no gruesome tales of nasty breast implants riding up too high, leaky silicone dripping through their bodies, implants that go pop in the night, or nipples that were incorrectly reattached in a manner that makes them look like circus side show freaks.

Their story is much more boring than that. They just really love getting new breast implants, and one trip to the doctor doesn’t seem to be enough to satisfy their insatiable urge for MORE SILICONE. A bit loco if you ask me. Maybe we should have them all committed.

To date, the Marshalls have spent about $65,000 on breast implants. But don’t worry. It probably won’t be long before they hit six figures. There are still four daughters who have yet to go under the knife and two daughters who have only made one trip to their plastic surgeon. They have some catching up to do.

This madness undoubtedly hit its peak the day Chantal accompanied daughters Emma and Ripley to the hospital for mommy/daughter plastic surgery. That’s right, all three had breast augmentation on the same day from the same doctor. I can only imagine the pissing contest going on in the recovery room as 50-year-old Chantal shoved her droopy boobs in her daughters’ faces, insisting hers were the greatest.

Meet the Marshalls

Let’s delve a little deeper into “The Real Sisters of Silicone City” — Britain’s reigning family of plastic surgery freaks:

Chantal

Vital stats: Age 50, mother of nine, 3 breast augmentations, $21,600 on breast implants, started at 34B, now 34DD

The Skinny: Popping out nine kids left her breasts looking like milk bottles (her description, not mine). Jeez, I wonder what else got a little blown out in the process. Maybe a labiaplasty is on the horizon for Chantal as well.

Her first operation left her a bit traumatized, but not enough to deter her from throwing her chips back on the table for round two after seeing her daughter Emma’s results. Two years later, she couldn’t pass up the opportunity of a lifetime — round 3, performed simultaneously with two of her daughters. As Sly Stone once said, “It’s a family affair.”

Chantal is very proud of the stunning family resemblance resulting from hair bleach and matching breast implants. If they were an American family, they’d probably all live together in a trailer park in West Virginia.

Emma

Vital stats: Age 28, beauty therapist, 2 breast augmentations, $15,200 on breast implants, started at 34B, now 34F

The Skinny: She got her first boob job at the ripe old age of 18. The inspiration for her surgery was countless hours of watching Pamela Anderson’s jugs bounce up and down as she saved lives on Baywatch. Congrats Pam — yet another dubious accolade to pad your rather forgettable resume.

For her second operation, Emma participated in the family debacle I’ve mentioned above. She couldn’t wait for the anesthesia to wear off so that she could participate in a three-way “boob-off” with Ripley and her mom.

Ripley

Vital stats: Age 18, design student and nail technician, 1 breast augmentation, $7,200 on breast implants, started at 34C, now 34DD

The Skinny: Proudly, she’s the youngest Marshall girl to get breast augmentation. She not only takes pride in her fake boobs, she basks in the glory of her mom’s and sisters’ silicone behemoths as well. Isn’t that nice, she’s a team player. She claims the family has become much closer as a result of their shared love of silicone. Aw, now I’m getting all warm and fuzzy inside.

Before getting implants, Ripley used to pad her bra with chicken fillets. That’s right, chicken fillets. I’m not sure if they were raw or cooked, and I’m not sure which would be more disgusting. I wonder if her boyfriends used to find her breasts finger lickin’ good.

She saved up half the money for her procedure and was lucky enough to procure a loan for the remainder of the balance. Lucky for her, the British love their plastic surgery, and they have no qualms about giving a girl just outside of high school a few grand to boost her bra size, especially if it means a few hungry families can now eat all those chicken fillets Ripley was stuffing down her bra.

Terri

Vital stats: Age 25, dancer, 1 breast augmentation, $7,200 on breast implants, started at 32DD, now 32GG

The Skinny: That’s right, DDs weren’t enough for Terri. She needed to go bigger. I guess being naturally well-endowed doesn’t prevent you from feeling left out when your sisters are going for upgrades. Besides, I think Terri has a bit of a competitive streak. She’s been known to argue with Emma over who has the biggest boobs.

Terri prefers breast augmentation to going to the dentist. A rather odd comparison, I must say, but OK. She has also claimed that if she were flat-chested, she’d be willing to stuff as many as 10 chicken fillets in her bra to mask her deficiencies. What’s with these girls and chicken fillets in their bras?

Tara

Vital stats: Age 22, receptionist, 2 breast augmentations, $12,800 on breast implants, started at 34A, now 34E

The Skinny: Poor Tara. She was the unfortunate recipient of A cups. This must have caused her a great deal of distress, especially as she watched her older sisters repeatedly pump silicone into their breasts. I mean, she just couldn’t measure up. What’s a girl to do?

I’ll tell you what she’s going to do. She’s going to get implants at the very first chance she gets. As soon as she turned 17, she booked her initial consultation so that she could have her operation immediately after turning 18. Time’s running out. No time to waste. She’s only 18. God forbid she goes another day with A cups. She’ll bring shame to her family. Oy vey.

Tara loves her fake look so much that she decided to go for round 2 several years ago. Now she feels amazing. We’re so happy for you Tara.