Yes, it’s official. Silicone breast implants are highly hazardous to your health – that is, if you are a snake. Someone should alert the FDA so that they can adjust the warning label for these implants. Maybe it should read, “Do not leave silicone breast implants near the mouth of an ornery snake. Silicone poisoning can be fatal for reptiles.”
Israeli model Orit Fox learned this the hard way in a recent photo shoot for a Spanish TV channel. What started out as a sexy photo shoot between a very well-endowed (albeit surgically enhanced) model and one of nature’s oldest and craftiest creatures ended in disaster last week.
Things started off well between Fox and mankind’s original nemesis. She seemed very comfortable as the rather large boa constrictor wrapped itself around her legs, waist, and neck. She did her best to look sexy throughout the entire process, although I would argue that the entire scene came off as a bit creepy. However, Fox decided to get a little too intimate with the snake, and that is when the situation went sour in a hurry.
For some reason, she seemed to think it would be a good idea to try and kiss the snake. Well, kiss may be the wrong way to describe it. I’d say it was more like licking the snake’s face. Fox stuck out her rather large, Gene Simmons-like tongue and began caressing the snake’s face with it as if she were about to perform a dirty, porn star-style bedroom act.
The snake took offense to this, and it sunk its fangs into her left breast.
The snake’s vice-like grip on Fox’s breast proved to be pretty formidable. As the bleach-blonde model shrieked in horror, the snake held on for dear life. A member of the TV crew rushed to her aid, but it took several seconds before he could pry the snake off of its prey.
Ultimately, Orit Fox fared much better than her slithering adversary. She was rushed to the hospital and given a tetanus shot. Physically, she seems to be fine; however, it may take awhile for the shock to wear off. I’ll bet she has snakebite nightmares for weeks.
While the snake won the battle, it certainly lost the war. Several hours later, it died from silicone poisoning. Death by lethal silicone implant. I think that might be a first. Perhaps we should try this method out on death row criminals. Present them with a breast implant filled with silicone and force them to bite down hard. That’s right, suck it dry. And then die a slow, excruciating death from silicone poisoning. I’ll bet it’s much cheaper and more energy efficient than the electric chair.
I’d like to take a moment to point out the irony in this situation. This is not exactly the first time a woman and serpent have been at odds over eating the forbidden fruit. Thousands of years ago in the Garden of Eden, Round 1 went to the serpent. Ironically, it was this transgression that led to mankind’s knowledge of its sexuality. In a sense, you can say that breast augmentation would not exist if it were not for Eve eating the forbidden fruit. Had she not succumbed to temptation, humans may still be frolicking in ignorant bliss of their sexuality to this very day.
Instead, we have become a society that is hypersensitive to all things sexual. Everywhere you turn, you are bombarded with reminders of your sexuality – in movies, TV, magazines, music videos, political sex scandals, and the Italian Prime Minister’s raunchy Bunga Bunga parties. All of this has happened (according to the sprawling work of fiction that is the bible) because Eve was duped by the serpent thousands of years ago, unlocking the door to human sexuality with every bite of that forbidden fruit. And now, in order to maximize their sexual potential, many women have turned to plastic surgery fixes like breast augmentation to land a man higher up on the attractiveness scale than they could have otherwise attained without these cosmetic alterations.
As a result, the tables have been turned. Woman has become the temptress, dangling a buoyant, perky, silicone forbidden fruit in front of the serpent. Just begging it to take a bite. Almost daring it.
Of course, the serpent didn’t stand a chance this time. It went in for the kill and held on for dear life. And with each moment its fangs stayed lodged in that bubble of silicone bliss, its life was drawing nearer to its end. Yes, it has taken quite some time, but we have finally done it. We have finally gotten revenge on the serpent for making Eve eat the forbidden fruit. This time, the serpent partook of the fruit, and it wasn’t just cast out of the Garden. It was dealt a knockout blow for all of eternity. Death by lethal silicone implant.
To all of the religious zealots out there who adhere to the concept of Original Sin, I would like to propose a different purpose for the biblical story of Eve and the serpent. Personally, I think Original Sin was just another trope fabricated by the powers that be to exert some degree of mind control over their followers. Clearly, Original Sin is the mother-load of all guilt trips.
Instead, I would like to argue that the eating of the forbidden fruit eons ago in the Garden of Eden was just the first installment in a larger story that is the battle between mankind and serpent. Now in 2011, we have finally witnessed Round 2. This time, it was a tale of mankind’s redemption. The score is now tied – Woman 1, Serpent 1. It may take a few thousand years, but I have a feeling this story is not done yet. There will eventually be a rubber match. Who will be arrogant enough to try and eat the forbidden fruit in Round 3? Only time will tell.
