It seems that several high profile British actresses, led by Kate Winslet, have decided to take a stand against the rampant plastic surgery debacle plaguing Hollywood today. Winslet, along with Rachel Weisz and Emma Thompson, have joined forces to form the “British Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League.”
Winslet, their fearless ringleader, is the youngest of the three. At the age of 35, she still retains her youthful good looks and can command roles earmarked for the beautiful and elite of Hollywood. But the fact that she has yet to be bitten by the aging bug has not altered her firm resolve to swear off the evils of plastic surgery at all costs.
“I will never give in,” she said. “It goes against my morals, the way that my parents brought me up and what I consider to be natural beauty. I’m an actress; I don’t want to freeze the expression of my face.”
Commendable words from someone facing tremendous pressure to maintain her looks at all costs. In the world of Hollywood, many actresses start to see their high profile roles dry up as they approach 40. The sad reality is that there is always a new crop of younger, better looking actresses who will usurp the spotlight from them.
I’m not exactly sure what this “Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League” will actually do, or how much of a legitimate organization it is. Clearly, these three actresses are taking a stand against the shallow, appearance-driven culture that dominates Hollywood. But only time will tell whether they dig into their bottomless bank accounts to launch a serious campaign on behalf of all those who choose to take the risk of staying au naturale.
Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League as a Comic Book Series
For some strange reason, this Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League reminds me of one of my favorite cartoons from my childhood – Super Friends. For those of you at least 30 years old, you probably remember this cartoon as well. It featured some of the most iconic DC Comics characters joining forces as part of the Justice League of America. With Superman, Batman and Robin, Wonder Woman, the Green Lantern, and company fighting as a cohesive unit, the super villains of the world never stood a chance. As a 6 year old kid, this show was pure awesomeness.
With this as our context, let’s look at how we can adapt the Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League of Britain to a format mirroring the Justice League of America.
The Main Characters
First, we have our superheroes. Clearly, the ringleader of this group is Winslet, wielding powers of Titanic proportions. Her main sidekicks are Rachel Weisz and Emma Thompson. Weisz brings a more soft-spoken presence that should not be underestimated. When it comes to fighting the evils of plastic surgery, she will be a force. Then there is Emma Thompson, the aging star who was never really that big of a star to begin with. She’ll bring some comic relief with her tart personality and prove that wrinkles can pack a punch too.
Now we have our super villains. These plastic surgery addicts will wage their war with our heroines, trying to turn everyone in Hollywood into a silicone zombie. The leader of this pack would certainly be Sarah Burge, also known by her super villain name, The Human Barbie. Burge brings more than 100 plastic surgery procedures to the table and tempts others to the Dark Side by hosting epic plastic surgery lottery parties that suck you in and keep you coming back for more. Once she has you hooked, you’ll join her international brothel and jet-set across the world turning tricks at her exotic sex parties. Remember, The Human Barbie is also a madam at one of the most sordid brothels in the world.
Burge is joined by another heavy weight, Sheyla Hershey. As the undisputed breast implant champion of the world, Hershey wields her 38KKK boobs like jackhammers, dropping silicone bombs on her victims with thunderous fury. In a later season, her character will take an unexpected twist when Winslet successfully separates Hershey from the source of her power – her silicone implants. This will leave Hershey a shell of her super villain self, at which time Weisz will levee a monstrous blow that sends her into a coma. Thus ends Hershey’s run with the super villains.
Of course, we’ll need a few celebrity plastic surgery addicts on the super villain team as well. Michael Jackson will rise from the dead and look just as freakish as he did while alive. I guess that’s what happens when every feature on your face gets botched by the work of a bad plastic surgeon. Jackson spreads the plastic surgery curse via break dancing, and his victims come to resemble his backup dancers from the Thriller video.
Then there is Joan Rivers. She is just there to increase the scariness factor, and to balance Emma Thompson’s super hero wrinkles with some evil super villain wrinkles. Rounding out The Human Barbie’s crew of villains is Mickey Rourke, who somehow fell in with the wrong crew in the middle of his career and turned into a plastic surgery freak. He provides the muscle that is lacking once Sheyla Hershey slips into her boob job coma.
Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League – Fighting for the Soul of Hollywood
As Winslet, Weisz, and Thompson fight for the soul of Hollywood, they encounter a variety of mishaps which test their resolve to stay au naturale. At one point, Thompson almost succumbs to the pressure when she finds out The Human Barbie had her black listed from Hollywood. As her career is held hostage by a BOTOX syringe, Thompson decides she can’t take it any longer. But just before she can freeze her face, thereby dissolving the fragile Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League alliance, Winslet swoops in with her Titanic powers and lands Thompson a bit part on her next movie, aptly titled Old and in the Way.
This is the turning point in the Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League’s fight against the plastic surgery super villains. One by one, they fall in battle and Hollywood slowly regains its soul. In the final episode, there is a dramatic showdown between Winslet and The Human Barbie. If Winslet wins, Hollywood is redeemed once and for all. If she loses, The Human Barbie will enslave Hollywood and rule with a silicone fist. Think of it as a showdown resembling what you saw between Neo and Agent Smith in the final Matrix. Only this time, the torrential downpour in the backdrop serves to highlight The Human Barbie’s breast implants, giving our comic book series just enough trashiness to remain respectable among the world of plastic surgery sleaze.
Believe it or not, I’m actually having trouble deciding how I’d like this series to end. While I’d love to see ill fortunes fall on our plastic surgery villains, I also have a healthy contempt for cliché Hollywood endings, and part of me thinks it would be fun to watch The Human Barbie wipe out Winslet and the Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League in a swift silicone body blow, just to prove that once in awhile the bad guys actually do win.
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