It seems like Sarah Burge, better known as The Human Barbie, can’t escape being a regular on my blog even if she wanted to. In fairness, no one in the world of plastic surgery is more over-the-top, inappropriate, or entertaining than Burge. So why not keep talking about her?
I was horrified when I came across this story, but once I found out the main player involved, my reaction shifted to “Oh. Figures.” I guess there is little she can do these days that would surprise me – even this.
When Sarah’s youngest daughter Poppy turned 7 this past summer, she received a rather unusual birthday present from her plastic surgery addict mom – a breast augmentation voucher worth more than $9,000.
Not Your Typical 7-Year-Old
You would expect most normal 7-year-old girls to throw a tantrum at this kind of a gift. After all, most elementary school girls are still playing with plastic Barbie dolls. But I guess when you spend 9 months in the womb of the “Human Barbie,” playing with the fake ones might seem dull and boring. So instead of complaining about such a ridiculous gift, Poppy “squealed with delight” when she found out that in a little over a decade, she could actually turn her present into a set of genuine breast implants.
That’s if she’s not already breastfeeding by the time she can legally receive her gift.
According to the Human Barbie, her daughter isn’t interested in the typical silly things young girls are normally preoccupied with: “Poppy isn’t interested in bouncy castles or pass the parcel, so I splashed out on something a little more grown up.” Well, I suppose the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Playing with dolls probably isn’t all that exciting when you grow up in a whore house with a mother who is a high priced madam (more on that later).
Sarah also said that this was just what her daughter wanted: “Poppy begged me for a boob job, so I gave her the voucher so she can have it after she’s 16, when it’s legal.”
Actually, breast augmentation isn’t legal for 16-year-olds. She’ll have to wait until she’s 18 to cash in that voucher, and only if she’s interested in saline implants. But if I know my plastic surgery addicts, there’s no way Sarah will let her precious little Poppy settle for anything less than silicone, which means she’s going to have to wait until she’s 22 to claim her prize.
Imagine having to wait until you’ve been legally allowed to drink beer for a year to enjoy a birthday present you received when you were 7. Talk about delayed gratification. That’s more than 2 full lifetimes away for poor little Poppy.
Of course, there’s always the chance that this gift will be rendered moot before she’s old enough to cash it in. After all, it is possible that she’ll sprout big ol’ knockers of her own and not need to go the silicone route. But don’t worry, the Human Barbie has a backup plan. If Poppy is happy with her natural breasts (and I’m putting all my money on the fact that she won’t be), she can just trade in her boob job voucher for any other plastic surgery procedure she’d like.
Exotic Pamper Parties
But this boob job voucher was just the tip of the iceberg for Poppy’s big day. She actually received an “exotic pamper party” that cost more than $18,000. Jeez, talk about excessive. This makes the lavish New York weddings and Bar Mitzvahs I attended as a kid pale in comparison.
So what exactly is an exotic pamper party?
Poppy and 7 of her closest friends were given manicures, pedicures, makeovers, and fake tattoos. They also drank pretend champagne in the back of a pink pamper bus while eating a designer birthday cake costing more than $390. I’m not exactly sure what the Human Barbie used for pretend champagne. Is it a new product by O’Doul’s?
More Plastic Surgery in Store for Human Barbie
But Poppy isn’t the only person in the family looking forward to plastic surgery in the near future. Sarah plans on adding to the more than 100 plastic surgery procedures she has already received to celebrate her 51st birthday later this year. It seems only fitting that her budget for the 51 year makeover is 51,000 pounds (approximately $80,000). The top procedures in her mid-century makeover include:
She’s also going to let Poppy watch her mom go under the knife on video. That sounds like a fun Saturday afternoon activity. I’m assuming she won’t have much of an appetite for snacks with all of the blood, fat and silicone that will be oozing all over the screen. If she’s lucky, she’ll lose her desire to cash in that boob job voucher after watching her mother’s carnage on instant replay.
Human Barbie’s Innovative Revenue Stream
You may be wondering how Sarah Burge can afford all of this as a single mother. Well, let’s just say she has several innovative revenue streams which are all fairly lucrative. The Human Barbie runs a business as a plastic surgery pimp, providing local surgeons with a steady supply of new patients. She also hosts exotic sex parties for swingers and people willing to pay for their good time (that’s right, she’s a real pimp too). And when she’s bored, she churns out a few erotic novels in her free time.
The Human Barbie stands by her choices even though most people are regularly horrified by her as a human being. “Some people think it’s controversial and I get angry when strangers say I’m a bad mother because I don’t think there’s any harm in giving her this gift.”
Well, that’s where she just doesn’t get it, as I’m pretty sure that 99% of the rest of the world finds it deplorable that she would give her 7-year-old daughter a boob job voucher for her birthday and toast the gift over fake champagne. With a mother like Sarah, I’m betting Poppy gets her first mommy makeover at the same time she cashes in that voucher.
In case you don’t get my point here, I’ll spell it out a little more clearly. Sarah Burge is a bad mother, regardless of whether she’s willing to admit it. No, I’d actually go farther than that. I’d probably rank her in the top 5 worst mothers of all time. But then again, maybe I’m just on old-fashioned kind of guy who thinks 7-year-old girls should be doing things a little more age appropriate than dreaming about breast augmentation and hanging out at her mother’s exotic sex parties.