Some couples are soul mates in the truest sense of the word. They do just about everything together, and share every “important” life experience with one another – even plastic surgery.
I would think that when a nip and a tuck is the best thing you can think of to do with your sweetheart on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, it may be time to take up some hobbies. But that is just me. I’m sure it’s possible that my girlfriend and I are missing out on the experience of a lifetime. I mean, nothing brings you closer to your soul mate than some friendly competition over how much fat got sucked out of your gut, right?
Meet the Robertsons
Here is the real life story of David and Heather Robertson, a couple that has recently experienced the pure ecstasy that can only be achieved during his and hers plastic surgery. The couple has been married for 18 years, and they felt it was time for some tandem self-beautification. Based on this picture, it seems like they were a pair of spring chickens when they met.
After all these years the Robertsons are still happily married, but having four children has left them a little worn out. “Heather has had four children, we have had four children together and you know it takes quite a toll on our bodies.”
Wait a minute. Did he really say that? Is David Robertson really going to claim that his wife’s four pregnancies and childbirths have robbed him of the svelte body of his youth? Really? I think that might be a first.
Even the most insensitive, chauvinistic man on the planet would not try to argue that his body endured the same beating as his wife’s when she carried their children. It’s not like he carried around 7-8 pounds of extra weight and did the equivalent of crapping out a watermelon four times. But she did. Yet he is the one still struggling to lose that stubborn baby weight.
This guy is either a complete jerk or a total buffoon. My vote is for buffoonery.
Apparently, the 50 pounds David has gained over their 18-year marriage has given him a bit of a double chin. While 50 pounds sounds like a lot of weight to gain, keep in mind that he has topped out at a robust 185 pounds. In other words, he only weighed 135 pounds when they got married. Were they 16 when they tied the knot?
Speaking of getting married, David proposed to Heather on their first date. Astonishingly, she stuck around for date number two. I would think that a first date proposal would send most women running for the hills.
But back to the plastic surgery…
On this fateful day when they embarked on what Heather described as “a new chapter in their lives,” David got a chin tuck to get rid of that double chin. Heather went for some liposuction to take off the real baby weight.
And they couldn’t be any happier.
Coo Coo Ca-Choo Mrs. Robertson
For some reason, I’ve been hearing the Simon and Garfunkel classic “Mrs. Robinson” running through my head while talking about our good friend Mrs. Robertson. My mind just works in crazy ways.
So I decided to take a look at the lyrics to the song. While written about the original Cougar who engaged in an illicit affair with her best friend’s son, it seems very plausible to me that Paul Simon could have been telling the tale of our good friend Heather Robertson.
Consider the following lines (my commentary is in italics):
“We’d like to help you learn to help yourself”
By sucking all of that fat out of your childbearing tummy
“Look around you, all you see are sympathetic eyes”
Remembering how much better you looked in the days of your youth
“Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home”
We’re confident that you’ll find our surgical center to be the best in town
“Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes”
No one will see that scar after we make the incision along your bikini line
“It’s a little secret, just the Robinsons’ affair”
Your results will look so natural, no one would ever think the Robertsons have had his and hers plastic surgery
“Most of all, you’ve got to hide it from the kids”
You don’t want them to grow up to be shallow people who only value surface appearances just like their parents, do you?
“When you’ve got to choose”
I’d recommend traditional liposuction. All that new technology is pure gimmick
“Ev’ry way you look at it, you lose”
Inches off your waistline
So here’s to you, Mrs. Robertson, the scalpel loves you more than you will know, Wo, wo, wo. Wo, wo, wo.
