If you think women only undergo breast augmentation for cosmetic purposes, you clearly need to get out more often (or at the very least, start reading this blog more). Breast implants can be quite useful:
- They can crush a watermelon
- They can stop a speeding bullet
- They can be used to smuggle drugs
- They can save your life in a knife fight or car accident
- They can kill a snake
- They can kill a dog
- They can make you a world record holder
- They can be used as paper weights (well, they need to be removed first)
We can now add a new purpose to this list. They can be used as an accessory to armed robbery. But based on the outcome of the robbery, you may want to consider other strategies if you want to get away with the crime.
Last summer, a 22-year-old named Tonee Walker robbed a gas station at knife point on Australia’s Gold Coast. She became an overnight sensation, receiving the nickname “Buxom Bandit” due to her use of her cleavage to distract the gas station attendant.
The Buxom Bandit got away with $300 in cash. “Wanted” posters featuring her cleavage were distributed to police officers and high school boys across Australia as Walker began life on the run.
She turned herself in after 5 days. It’s uncertain whether she gave up because she felt the heat of a police manhunt or grew tired of being accosted by horny, pimply kids looking to get a peak at her legendary breasts.
Buxom Bandit IS the Stereotypical Dumb Blonde
The Buxom Bandit’s lawyer claims she was high on amphetamines and Xanax at the time of the robbery. Maybe that’s why she did such a sloppy job. Or perhaps this debacle was inevitable due to the fact that she is the epitome of the dumb blonde stereotype.
According to her getaway driver, the Buxom Bandit lowered her top and exposed her breasts in order to give the gas station attendant “something to look at.” I suppose her sexy cleavage took his eyes away from the knife she was brandishing, but it also created a much more serious problem for her.
Do you think it would be awkward to show up to a robbery in a low-cut top, cleavage busting out, while wearing a black ski mask that conceals your identity? I do too. It would probably negate the distracting effect of the cleavage.
So the Buxom Bandit kept her black hat on top of her head, exposing her face to the closed-circuit TV cameras in the gas station. Now police have a clear image of her pretty little face and big ol’ breasts. All they were really missing to submit this for a Playboy centerfold was her dimensions, aspirations, and turn-ons/turn-offs.
Not a very smart game plan if you are actually trying to get away with the crime. But wait. Her stupidity gets even more astounding…
In an attempt to avoid fingerprints, the Buxom Bandit wore a white glove on the hand carrying the knife. But the other hand – the one used to grab money from the register – that one had no glove on it. So her fingerprints were all over the counter and the register.
Hmm. Full face shot, porn-quality breast shot, and fingerprints. I think even Chief Wiggum could wrap up this case.
Earlier this week, the Buxom Bandit showed up for her sentencing hearing looking slightly less sexy than she did when posing for the closed circuit TV cameras at the gas station last summer. Dressed in a much more conservative black dress that did not expose her legendary cleavage, she pleaded guilty to armed robbery and received 4 years in jail.
Her getaway driver pleaded guilty to being an accessory to armed robbery, stealing a mobile phone, unlawful use of a motor vehicle, and arson. He received a 2 year suspended jail sentence.
Walker’s breast implants – the true accessory to this armed robbery and arguably one of the main reasons this crime failed – received no penalties from the judge. I suppose a lifetime attached to the Buxom Bandit is punishment enough.