Bridalplasty

Just when I thought TV had hit an all time low, I found out about the newest Reality TV brainchild of the E! network. It is called “Bridalplasty” and it offers a group of brides-to-be with massive self-esteem issues a chance to compete for a radical plastic surgery makeover before their big day. Essentially, the producers tossed “Survivor,” “Top Chef,” “Extreme Makeover” and “The Jerry Springer Show” into a blender and regurgitated the mixture with a wedding theme.

I’m lucky I read about this at 4:30 in the afternoon. If I came across the article right after lunch, I think I would have vomited. And that would be a tragedy – my lunch was delicious today.

Each week, the contestants will compete against each other in trivial wedding-related challenges such as writing wedding vows and planning their honeymoon. Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t consider these tasks to be trivial, especially planning the honeymoon – that would be a blast. However, I consider them to be trivialized when performed under the gun with a camera in your face for the whole world to see on trashy TV. Those tasks should be done either privately (vows) or with your soon-to-be husband (honeymoon). I’m sure these women – who probably are not the most intelligent bunch if they agreed to participate in this show – will have really eloquent wedding vows after being forced to write them as part of a goofy Reality TV challenge. Way to promote the sanctity of marriage.

The winner of each weekly challenge will get to pick a plastic surgery procedure off of her “wish list.” It will be performed right away and the results will be on display as the next episode begins. Yes! Rush through that procedure. Get it done right away. I’m sure you’re going to get the best results when a doctor puts you under and carves you up on a moment’s notice. Who needs planning, consultations, and a well thought-out aesthetic design? This is Reality TV.

But wait. There is a twist to the show…

Each week, one unlucky woman will be voted out by the other Bridezillas. As the network so eloquently states, these women may “possibly walk away with nothing and lose their chance to be the perfect bride.” Can you get any more melodramatic than this? I think not. My heart goes out to these poor women. They may go home as frumpy as ever and have an ordinary wedding just like 99% of the population. Of course, if you listen to the network, it is impossible to plan a nice wedding that fits into your budget and reflects your personality all on your own. If they don’t throw you an extravaganza chock full of plastic surgery and pageantry, the big day will be a grand flop.

At the end of the show, the last bride standing will be declared the winner. And the grand prize (drum roll please)…

A “dream wedding” and a radical plastic surgery makeover. Of course, the wedding will be shown on TV for the entire world to see. Can you get tackier than this? But wait. It gets worse. At the big dream wedding, the bride will reveal her hideous new surgically “enhanced” appearance to friends, family, and most importantly, the lucky groom. According to E!, “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery.” See, the network even admits that they are staging a circus-style freak show intended to exploit the young, dumb, shallow, and insecure ranks of the American public. It doesn’t get any more shameful than this.

This topic is so juicy, I have to break it up into two parts. Stay tuned for Part 2, when I’ll dazzle you with more of my always-colorful commentary about this atrocity of a TV show.