Perhaps I should have waited until after lunch to write this blog. I definitely just lost my appetite. Although, if I had written this an hour later, my lunch would probably have ended up in the porcelain receptacle at the end of the hallway. Yes, take this as my warning. You may be reading about something that you find vile and disgusting. If that is a problem for you, then just move along to one of my other recent posts. Last week, I discussed how BOTOX may help some women enjoy sex for the first time in their lives. That one is a bit more uplifting.
Back to today’s insanity…
It appears those crazy Brits are at it again. Although this time, they have definitely gone too far. The Icecreamists, an ice cream shop in London, has recently begun selling breast milk ice cream. They call their new flavor Baby Gaga, and it is flavored with vanilla and lemon zest.
I’m gagging as I write that. Vanilla-flavored frozen breast milk with a hint of lemon. I can’t think of a more vile way to top off a delicious dinner. Imagine going to a classy, fine dining restaurant. You’ve just finished eating the best filet mignon you’ve ever tasted, and the waiter comes back to your table to try and sell you on dessert. The first words out of his mouth are Baby Gaga breast milk ice cream. Pumped fresh from our hostess, who was recently nominated for Mother of the Year. All natural, no hormones added (remember, she’s not on birth control anymore). Do you think our waiter can expect a good tip after that attempted up-sell?
But for some reason, this ice cream has been a huge hit in the London ice cream shop that actually had the balls to release it. Their first batch of this abomination sold out in a matter of days, and they were selling a serving (not a pint or a gallon, just a serving) for 14 pounds (roughly $22.50). I can eat lunch for a week for the price of one scoop of Baby Gaga. Who in their right mind is going to spend that kind of money on a cone of frozen breast milk? That’s just insane.
There was such a huge demand for this ice cream that the shop had to place a sign on the window promising that Baby Gaga would return once they can pump their donors for some new supplies.
Apparently, The Icecreamists get their breast milk from donors found on the Internet. But of course. I’m sure you can find all sorts of respectable, upstanding people looking to peddle their excess breast milk on the Internet. “We have enough breast milk to keep Junior satisfied through summertime. Why don’t you just take my leftovers and make some vanilla/lemon zest ice cream? Don’t forget to give me a free sample of my goods when it’s ready for sale.”
Store founder Matt O’Connor assures his customers that all breast milk has been screened according to hospital/blood donor requirements. OK. Now I can relax. We all know that hospitals never make mistakes screening blood. We’ve never heard horror stories about people contracting fatal diseases from a transfusion containing tainted blood. I’m sure glad that breast milk was screened using similar standards.
According to O’Connor, “It’s pure, it’s natural, it’s organic, and it’s free range – and if it’s good enough for our kids, it’s good enough to use in our ice cream.” Jeez, great logic. “Breast milk ice cream. Getting spit up and drooled out by babies across England. Give it a try, and see what’s making them burp.”
I think they should take a slightly different approach for their next batch. Mr. O’Connor should scour the Internet for a specific type of donor – women who have undergone breast augmentation. They can do two different flavors:
- Salt Water Taffy for breast milk taken from women with saline breast implants
- Silicone Valley for breast milk taken from women with silicone breast implants
I’m sure those flavors will be equally delicious as their Baby Gaga predecessor. If the salty flavor or silicone aftertaste becomes a bit too much, they can just add a bit of lemon zest for that citrus freshness you always want in your breast milk ice cream. Just ask the many fans of Baby Gaga.