The New Testament has documented many of the miracles Jesus performed during his lifetime, but did you know his powers have expanded in death? According to a pastor in Sao Roque, Brazil, Jesus now has the ability to perform liposuction on his faithful devotees.
Well, I suppose that’s not exactly true. Jesus needs a little help with this miracle. After all, he hasn’t been flesh and bones for nearly 2000 years. Pastor Cesar Peixoto seems to act as JC’s conduit for this spiritual procedure, which he calls “divine liposuction.”
According to Pastor Peixoto, “divine liposuction” exists to make people lose weight and feel better while curing them of diseases related to obesity.
Way to go Jesus! Who needs a plastic surgeon when we have the almighty Jesus to magically melt our fat away and cure us of obesity? I think this even extends beyond the powers wielded by Yoda’s mastery of the force.
An Operation of Biblical Proportions
Pastor Peixoto claims there is biblical precedent for these types of procedures, citing God’s creation of Eve from Adam’s rib as the first “spiritual operation” performed without the need of a medical procedure.
Well there you have it. It must be true. There’s a story in the Bible that proves it. If you believe this, I also have a burning bush for sale. It’s located somewhere in Egypt.
Taking Fanatical Evangelicalism a Bit Too Far
From what I can gather, Pastor Peixoto has modeled this sham after all the other classic evangelical cult figures. He starts off his session by telling his crowd of rabid church goers, “The Holy Spirit is the one who is going to operate. I need angels to do a spiritual lipo!”
Pastor Peixoto then leads his cult devotees in a moment of prayer. This opens the divine healing process, which causes our “divine liposuction” patients to fall into a deep 15 minute sleep on the floor (were they drugged?). When they wake up, these people claim to have lost weight. (those must be some powerful drugs)
Aw yeah. Can I get an amen! I’m feeling skinnier already.
But wait. It gets even better. According to Pastor Peixoto, your “divine liposuction” procedure will not only melt the fat away, it will also cure health issues associated with the pituitary gland, hypothyroidism, and unbalanced hormones. He can even use this procedure to help you break “genetic curses” that cause you to become overweight.
Can I get an amen! (Or maybe a voodoo doll?)
Marketing His Madness
Pastor Peixoto hasn’t achieved the type of star power that brings new followers by word of mouth. At least not yet. He still has to sell his soul – I mean services – the old fashioned way. He walks door to door handing out flyers about the spiritual fat melting that takes place at his church.
I guess that can be somewhat of an efficient way to ensure you rope in the right people. If he walks up to a house and the person who opens the door weighs 90 pounds, he can just move on and avoid wasting his time. Sooner or later he’ll be greeted by someone a bit more plump.
I suppose if you are channeling the powers of Jesus himself, you may as well keep your marketing methods old school. I mean, Jesus never had a website.
Honing His Craft…On a Mountain Top?
So you may be wondering how Pastor Peixoto developed these divine fat melting powers. I was pretty curious when I first read about his miraculous accomplishments. And obviously, there’s a logical explanation.
His “spiritual gift” was bestowed upon him after praying for 40 consecutive days on top of a mountain in a remote Brazilian town.
Ok, now we may be mixing religious motifs here. Is he channeling Jesus or Moses? Was there a huge golden calf at the bottom of the mountain that Pastor Peixoto smote with his newfound spiritual powers?
For years, I’ve argued that Moses was the bigger biblical bad-ass. Sure, Jesus can turn water into wine, but can he part a river and bring a pox on your entire clan? If anyone should be able to magically get rid of your fat, it should be Moses, not Jesus.
But I suppose that debate should be saved for a different time, when we talk about a different nut case (maybe a Jewish one?).
If you want to shed some fat without a painful recovery, maybe you should book a flight to Brazil to visit Pastor Peixoto. You’ll lose weight and feel the hand of God in the same day. But if you are like me and prefer to place your fate in the hands of science rather than a guy who has been dead for 2000 years, then you may want to look into board certified plastic surgeons in your area.
If you live in the Phoenix area and are interested in liposuction, please contact Dr. John Corey today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Corey studied the art of plastic surgery in Brazil, so maybe there will be a little bit of Pastor Peixoto’s magic in your procedure after all.