American Bum?!

Are you unattractive, unemployed, down in the dumps? Do you suffer from low self-confidence from your homely appearance and poor job prospects? Do you feel that your aged and haggard exterior is hindering your job search? If you can honestly answer yes to all these questions AND you live in New England, then help may be on the way.

A controversial competition is being held right now for Massachusetts and Rhode Island residents, and the winner will receive free BOTOX injections and hair transplants to kick his or her job hunt into overdrive.

This competition is only open to a select class of people. In order to enter, you must meet the following criteria:

• Live in Massachusetts or Rhode Island
• Feel (and I also assume look) unattractive, old, or worn out
• Suffer from a lack of self-confidence as a result of your appearance
• Be unemployed

Individuals who wish to enter the contest must submit photos and personal statements to a website. In your application, you must persuasively explain in 100 words or less why you are more deserving of these free plastic surgery procedures than all of the other lowly, pathetic, aesthetically challenged applicants in the pool.

A panel of judges will sift through the applications in order to narrow the contestant field down to 20 finalists. After that, the winner will be decided by the general public in an American Idol-style competition.

I’m not sure what they mean by “American Idol-style.” Will the 20 finalists have to sing and dance? Will they have to dress up like their favorite celebrity? Will they have to demonstrate some type of talent or skill of any kind? Or will they just put themselves at the mercy of those New England residents with nothing better to do than voyeuristically pray on the misery and misfortune of others? Will this be an “I’m uglier and more pathetic than you” competition, or will the winner need to demonstrate some traditional form of merit?

And, I suppose most importantly, will there be a member of the judging panel who will act as the default Simon Cowell, mercilessly shredding all of the finalists of every morsel of dignity that currently remains part of their fragile and damaged psyche? Since this is American Idol for the unemployed, unattractive, and unhappy, should we just call it American Bum?

The winner will receive free hair restoration surgery and free BOTOX or facial filler treatment. The runner-up also gets free BOTOX or facial filler treatment, but instead of hair plugs, will get six months of free low level laser light therapy. It seems like two lucky losers will boost their job prospects from this rather twisted competition.

The highly controversial competition is being sponsored by Leonard Hair Transplant Associates as part of their 20^th anniversary celebration. They claim that self-confidence is a major factor in landing that ever-so-elusive job offer, and that by enhancing your appearance through these minor, non-invasive plastic surgery procedures, you will boost your confidence to a level that will help you once again become competitive in your job hunt.

Fortunately, I am not the only person outraged by the twistedness of this contest. In fact, many people have criticized Leonard Hair Transplants for putting on this rather unconventional competition, claiming that offering plastic surgery as a contest prize violates traditional doctor/patient relationships. I can think of a variety of other reasons why this farcical, outrageous competition should make your skin crawl, but I will not get into them here.

I will, however, raise one very important question. What kind of message is this contest sending to our down-in-the-dumps job seekers? Are we really trying to make people believe that if they were just a bit more attractive, they would land the job of their dreams?

I have always believed in the merit system. If you are the most qualified person for the job, you will most likely land it. Of course, it would be naive of me to think that jobs are always earned based on ability. I do realize that in the job hunt, it is often who you know rather than what you know that will determine whether or not you are hired.

However, in a time when unemployment is rampant, it would seem more responsible to encourage our unemployed masses to attempt to boost their skills in order to become more employable. If you have ability, you will eventually get hired, even if it does take some time.

To sell someone on a BOTOX pipe dream is cruel. I don’t care how pretty your face is, if you don’t have the skills, you’re still not getting the job — unless, of course, you have a connection high up in the company. But in that case, you really don’t need BOTOX and hair plugs, do you?