editor’s note: This blog was actually written just after the Super Bowl last February, but due to technical difficulties with the blog, it is first being posted now. We apologize for the dated material included in this post, but I am confident you will find it just as entertaining as if it were posted last February.
She’s back, and not a moment too soon. I was beginning to get tired of writing about the Human Barbie. It’s a relief to know that Sheyla Hershey is out of her coma and ready to entertain us once again.
Sheyla used up one of her 9 lives on Super Bowl Sunday. She was driving to pick her husband up after the game when she lost control of her Ford Mustang and hit a tree on the side of the road. In a state of panic, Hershey tried to flee the scene, but crashed into another tree nearby.
It’s a good thing that Sheyla still has those world record KKK breast implants because her airbags failed to deploy when she hit the tree. Luckily, the massive amount of silicone jiggling around her chest came to the rescue and served as makeshift airbags.
“My implants saved my life,” Hershey said. “My breasts are very sore and I have some scratches on them, but I know I would have been badly hurt without them because they are very close to the steering wheel.”
I’m not sure how much pain she would’ve felt after this crash. The police arrested her for a DUI when they arrived at the scene. Hershey insisted she hadn’t been drinking. The reason she was so loopy was because of all the antidepressants, vicodin, and painkillers she had taken that afternoon. Ironically, the painkillers were taken to alleviate the discomfort associated with having KKK breasts. Apparently, those silicone jugs put a serious hurtin’ on her petite frame.
KKKs Not Big Enough for Sheyla
If Sheyla Hershey had a hankering for some bigger breast implants before, she is even more determined after her accident. Her next breast augmentation will boost her to MMM breasts, cementing her stranglehold on the Breast Implant Champion of the World title.
I suppose MMM airbags would be better than KKK airbags. She might be able to add a few more pills to the mix and still walk away from the ensuing car accident unscathed.
It seems that her life’s pursuit of World Breast Implant Domination is not shared by her entire family. Hershey’s husband does not approve of the move to MMM. However, Hershey is firm in her resolve, and she made it clear that this decision “is not up to him.”
Other Life-Saving Breast Implants
This is not the first time catastrophe has been narrowly averted by gargantuan breast implants. Last year, a woman’s breast implants saved her life in a knife attack by her husband. Her overzealous use of silicone prevented the knife from piercing her heart. I guess in an alternative version of “rock, paper, scissor,” silicone beats knife any day of the week.
In 2009, a woman’s breast implants proved bulletproof, saving her life after she was shot at work by a crazy man. One of her breast implant-free coworkers wasn’t as lucky. The gunman sent her to her grave. Guess she should’ve been a bit more vain. You never know when you are going to need a breast implant to stop a speeding bullet.
Making Sense of it All
As always, I find it helpful to draw some sort of deeper meaning from this plastic surgery insanity. I can think of several messages to take from Sheyla Hershey’s latest brush with death (she was recently in a coma after attempting suicide over feelings of inadequacy about her KKK breast size):
- If you are going to drive an American car, make sure you have big enough breast implants to protect against the inevitable defects that are bound to threaten your life if you get into a car accident.
- If you are stupid enough to get all looped up on pills and drive around on one of the top 5 biggest drinking and driving nights of the year (Super Bowl Sunday), you’d better have big enough breast implants to serve as your Guardian Angel when you drive into a tree.
- Massive breast implants are obnoxious and gaudy, but they definitely can come in handy in a life-or-death situation. If I were a woman, I’d probably go big on the silicone just in case I ever got attacked by a knife, faced a crazy gunman who isn’t smart enough to aim for the head, or got a little sloppy on pain pills and drove my car into two trees.
If you live in the Greenville, South Carolina area and need protection from faulty airbags, please contact Piedmont Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial breast augmentation consultation. Remember, breast implants don’t just look good; they can also save your life in a car accident…or a knife fight…or from a gunshot wound.
