Imagine showing up for your weekly Pilates class. You are going through a routine pose – something you’ve done countless times in the past – and all of a sudden, you come out of the pose and discover that you are missing a breast implant. One minute it’s sitting pretty on your chest, making you look busty and perky. And then, poof! It’s gone.
This shocking, freakish event actually happened recently to a 59-year-old woman. Apparently, Pilates works many miracles. Not only does it help your body improve its strength and flexibility, but it also makes breast implants vanish into thin air.
I’ll bet what had been an ordinary Pilates session marked by calmness and serenity instantly turned into a scene similar to what you would expect when someone yells “Fire!” at a movie theater. Imagine the panic that would ensue after discovering that one of your breast implants just disappeared. I’m sure this poor woman may have Pilates nightmares for the rest of her life.
Where Did the Breast Implant Go?
Of course, there must be a scientific explanation for “the case of the vanishing breast.” It starts with a description of the Pilates maneuver, called Valsalva.
Valsalva is a breathing technique performed by taking a deep breath and holding it while bearing down. If you are ignorant in the ways of Pilates, like me, you are probably scratching your head and saying “Huh?” right now. In layman’s terms, this means you are exhaling forcibly without letting any air escape through the mouth or nose. Still confused? So am I.
Apparently, this Pilates maneuver increases the pressure inside your chest cavity. On this fateful day, this pressure pushed the woman’s right breast implant through the thin layer of tissue between her ribs, and it landed in the space between her lungs.
Making Sense of the Vanishing Breast Implant
I see great potential to take this fantastic vanishing act on the road. After all, it’s not every day that you get to see a breast implant vanish into thin air. Consider the possibilities:
- It’s Magic! – David Copperfield, if you are reading this now you might have the source of your next great nationally televised magic show. Copperfield is widely regarded as the greatest magician of all time. While he has made the Statue of Liberty disappear and walked through the Great Wall of China, he has never attempted anything as bold as making a breast implant vanish. This could easily be the crowning achievement on a brilliant career.
- Take it to the Carny! – Doesn’t this whole situation just scream carny side show freak? I’m sure the bearded lady and the dwarves used as human juggling balls wouldn’t appreciate the one-breasted woman stealing their thunder as she makes her implant disappear to captivated audiences every night, but she’d certainly be the shining star of the freak show.
- “The Case of the Vanishing Breast Implant” – If Agatha Christie or Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote in the 21st Century, this would certainly rank as one of their all-time best sellers. Unfortunately, they never got to experience the wonder of the boob job, and so this story line never saw the light of day. But perhaps Guy Ritchie could make this the plot for the third installment of his Sherlock Holmes film series. Solving the mystery of the vanishing breast implant could be Holmes’ greatest challenge to date. It may even cause Robert Downey Jr. to regress to his former life of boozing and drugs. Pilates, my dear Watson. Pilates.
- The War on Drugs – Imagine if the Mexican drug cartels could harvest this breast implant-swallowing power. They could insert kilos of cocaine into breast implants, send their couriers to Pilates class where the implant would be swallowed whole into the chest cavity, and then rake in the cash as these women crossed the border with the drugs hidden in just about the only place the dogs couldn’t find it.
Of course, there’s one last point I haven’t raised yet which makes this event even more bizarre and unlikely. How many people who undergo breast augmentation actually go to Pilates? My guess is not too many. The two seem to be on polar opposites of the spectrum. One is a natural way to care for, respect, and improve the appearance of your body; the other is the least natural way possible to improve your appearance. My bet is that no plastic surgeon ever thought that Pilates would be a danger to his life’s work. I guess there is always a first time for everything.
