If you were to hear a 65-year-old person say that a surgical procedure gave her a new lease on life, what kind of operation would come to mind? A pacemaker? Kidney transplant? Bypass surgery? Removal of a cancerous tumor? These all seem pretty plausible. But one operation I would never expect to hear mentioned in the context of that comment is breast augmentation.
And I should know better. After writing about the absurdities of plastic surgery for so long, I should realize that anything is possible – especially when it comes to those crazy Brits. But it’s true. Joan Lloyd, a 65-year-old great grandmother from Wales, has recently gotten breast implants to boost her paltry A cup to a more hearty F cup.
Yes, a shriveled, wrinkled, white-haired old lady with massive cleavage busting out of her shirt creates a hideous image in my mind. But then I saw the actual photo of this woman and her new assets, and I actually think I vomited in my mouth.
Not Your Typical Plastic Surgery Addict
One of the things that make this whole scenario even harder to wrap my head around is that this woman doesn’t fit the profile of your typical nut-job who just can’t help herself when it comes to going under the knife in the name of youthful beauty. She’s not a plastic surgery addict. In fact, this is (to my knowledge) her first plastic surgery procedure.
On the contrary, Joan fits the profile of old-school matronly purity. With 4 kids, 13 grandchildren, and six great grandchildren, she is the head of a rather large family. And with 6 great grandchildren by the age of 65, you know she got started popping out those little tykes at a young age. You might say she was a baby making machine. A true breeder in every sense of the word.
In fact, she got engaged to her husband of 49 years after their first date (gulp!). By my math, that put her at about age 16 when she walked down the aisle. There are two ways to interpret this – either she is truly old-school or we have the makings of a story fit for Jerry Springer.
In support of the old-school theory: Joan spent the last 15 years caring for her sick husband. His list of ailments paints a picture of hard living – heart condition (maybe too much partying?), lung condition (smoked like a chimney?), cirrhosis of the liver (hitting the bottle a bit too hard?), diabetes (liked his Twinkies?), and Alzheimer’s (at least his mind was gone while his body was rotting away).
I know, I’m going to Hell in a hand basket for making fun of this man’s misfortune. But regardless, that is a lot of disease for one body to endure, and I’m sure Joan’s life was not very exciting while she cared for him over the last 15 years of his life. His death served as the impetus for Joan to invest in herself. But at age 65, she might have gone a little too far with her boob job. F cups are a bit much on a woman who had her AARP card before I was old enough to legally buy a beer (that was 14 years ago).
“24-Year-Olds, Dude”
In support of the Jerry Springer theory: You can make the argument that everything I listed as supporting the old-school theory can also be used in defense of the Jerry Springer theory. But then there is so much more to add to the Jerry Springer argument. Like the fact that she started dating a 24-year-old.
That’s right, a 24-year-old. I’m not exactly sure what that guy saw in a woman old enough to be his grandmother. Again, I’m fighting to hold back the vomit.
While Joan insists that some people don’t even know how old she is now that she’s had breast augmentation, I can’t imagine her passing for under 50. Maybe not even under 60. Which begs the question: Was this 24-year-old blind? A virgin? Does he have an old person fetish? Does he like the smell of Bengay and denture cream in the morning? Or maybe he just likes fondling wrinkly fake boobs.
Regardless, it sounds like Joan has had a tough run since turning 50, so who am I to begrudge her a little happiness in her old age? It just seems that this is a bit of an odd way to go about finding that happiness when you’re 65.
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