The other day, the entire writing department went on an outing to go see Bad Teacher. I actually found the movie to be surprisingly twisted, wacky and funny. The former teacher in me really appreciated the way they poked fun at many of the inept, dysfunctional middle schools out there. If you have ever taught middle school, you should definitely go see the movie. You’ll appreciate it on more levels than you can imagine.
But what I really want to focus this blog on is the unexpected ways that Cameron Diaz’s character’s quest for breast augmentation drove the action of the movie. Please note: if you plan on watching this movie, you might want to stop reading here since I may give away more of the plot than you would want to hear.
The plot centers on Cameron Diaz’s efforts to land a rich husband so that she can get out of teaching and live the good life she feels she deserves. She figures the best way to rope in a sugar daddy is to get breast augmentation. In her mind, big breasts = a big, drooling Daddy Warbucks.
Unfortunately, Cameron has one small problem. She doesn’t have the money to pay for her boob job, and her rich fiancée dumped her in order to find a girl that actually cared about more than his money. As with many of the people I regularly blog about, desperate times bring desperate measures. And Cameron is willing to do just about anything to get her breast implants.
Believe me when I say she would do anything. While her entire existence in this movie was a clinic on how to break the law and get away with it, many of these infractions were committed in the name of breast augmentation. By my count, she committed six major crimes in order to get her breast implants, and each would land her in jail for a long time:
- Embezzlement – She stole funds from the 7th grade car wash and diverted them to her boob job fund. In fairness, she probably deserved to skim some money off the top since the car wash wouldn’t have earned nearly as much money without her help. She did her best Tawny Kitaen impression writhing on the hood of a car in a wet t-shirt, invoking images of the famous Whitesnake video from the 80s.
- Identity fraud – She assumed the identity of an investigative journalist in order to gain access to the state standardized test her students would have to take.
- Assault – Not sure if I even have the right crime on this one, but she definitely broke the law when she drugged the guy who works for the state testing agency in an attempt to get her hands on the test.
- Theft – By now, you knew this would be on the list. She stole the test. In the days of No Child Left Behind, this is a serious offense.
- Tampering with state standardized tests – Yes, she forged the answers on her students’ tests so that they would get the highest score in the school. As a reward, she received a bonus totaling almost $6,000.
- Blackmail – Eventually, word got out that she stole the standardized test. But Cameron was as calculating as she was desperate. She had a contingency plan in case this situation arose. While the testing agency guy was passed out, she took a series of dirty sex photos of him. Once he declared his intention to come forward with his story, she pulled her Ace in the hole. After seeing the photos, the testing agency guy retracted his accusations, clearing Cameron of all wrong-doing.
Breaking the Law for Breast Implants
While Cameron Diaz was clearly playing an over-the-top, caricature-like character in Bad Teacher, her character is rooted in some degree of truth. Believe it or not, there are actually quite a few people out there who have committed felonies in order to pay for breast augmentation. While I won’t bore you with the litany of identity theft tales out there (just read some of my previous blog posts for those), I will tell you one sinister story involving murder.
In 2005, Cynthia Sommer was arrested and charged with first-degree murder for financial gain. Prosecutors alleged that she poisoned her Marine husband with arsenic in order to collect his $250,000 military life insurance policy.
There were lots of sordid details that painted a compelling case against her:
- Liver tests found arsenic levels 1,020 times above normal in her husband’s body at the time of death
- Her husband began showing symptoms of arsenic poisoning 10 days before he died, the same day Sommer visited a plastic surgeon’s office for a breast augmentation consultation
- Two weeks before her husband died, Sommer paid $16.95 for an Internet dating service
- Immediately following her husband’s death, Sommer got her boob job with the help of her big life insurance pay day and then began throwing raging parties at her home
- Two months after her husband died, Sommer had a new boyfriend
Cynthia Sommer was initially convicted of murder, but the judge threw out the verdict because the prosecutor’s description of her lifestyle following her husband’s death was so inflammatory that it deprived her of a fair trial. Several months later, her new lawyer requested that some remaining tissue samples taken from her husband’s body be tested for arsenic. When these new tissue samples were tested, there was no trace of arsenic. This created enough reasonable doubt to have her case dismissed.
No one, other than Cynthia Sommer, will ever truly know what happened the night her husband inexplicably died on a Marine base in San Diego. Perhaps he died of a heart attack. Perhaps she really did kill him. If so, she certainly got away with murder, but at a hefty price. She spent about 3 years in jail while her case went through the court system. Now she’s back on the streets with a 6-year-old boob job and a whopper of a legal bill that probably used up most, if not all, of her life insurance settlement. I hope for her sake that Cameron Diaz is right about the power of breast implants to rope in a sugar daddy. Otherwise, this mother of 4 will most likely never taste the good life again.
If you live in Denver, Colorado and would like to get breast augmentation, please contact Grossman plastic surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. But make sure you can pay for your surgery legally. In the world of Hollywood, Cameron Diaz got away with all of her crimes, but in real life, you’ll probably end up being some convict’s bitch for years to come, and then you won’t get to enjoy your new fake breasts.
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