Most wedding registries are pretty boring. Personally, I dread coming up with a wedding gift for my friends on their big day. Who really wants to give someone a new waffle iron or matching cups and saucers that will never see the outside of the cupboard? I don’t really understand why people waste their time asking for stuff they neither need nor care about.
Apparently, a couple in Britain didn’t care much for the useless crap most people place on a wedding registry. So they decided to take a different approach with theirs. They asked their friends and relatives to kick them some cash so that the lucky lady can get breast augmentation.
Imagine clicking the link to the happy couple’s wedding registry and seeing just one item – a set of breast implants. That’s right. Just two big gooey sacks of silicone staring you in the face. It doesn’t get any tackier than that. I can’t imagine what went through grandma’s mind when she found out her darling granddaughter wanted her to pony up some cash for a new set of boobs.
It kind of goes against the whole image of purity associated with marriage, don’t you think? Instead of true love, you are bombarded by images of seedy strip clubs with Motley Crue blaring behind fake-breasted women spinning around a pole. Yup, that’s what I want my grandma to think about when she arrives at my wedding.
Shameless Request Made in Verse
Louise and Les Hampson are not only trashy and tacky, but they are also pretty crappy poets. But that didn’t stop them from trying to get a little too cutesy with their shameless plea for contributions to the boob job fund. They placed this literary masterpiece on their wedding invitation:
We have already got a kettle and toaster
Crockery, dinner mats, and matching coasters
So rather than something we have already got
We would appreciate money for Louise’s boob job pot
Once again, I’m thinking about how proud grandma must have felt when the wedding invitation arrived in the mail. The look of joy in her eyes as she opened the envelope. And then, WHAM! She’s hit over the head with a boob job poem that could have been written by a 3rd grader. Poor grandma. I hope her fragile, aging heart was able to withstand the shock.
Jackpot!
For several years, Louise has dreamed of getting breast augmentation. The 33-year-old tanning salon assistant used to love wearing low-cut tops, but after 3 kids from a different baby-daddy, her 32D breasts were not as perky as they used to be. She became increasingly self-conscious about her breasts after she started dating Les, who probably hasn’t seen too many other droopy hooters at the ripe old age of 24. When he finally popped the big question, she hatched her grand scheme to get everyone in their social circles to foot the bill on her boob job.
I have to admit, I’m a little shocked that he agreed. Regardless of whether he’d prefer his wife to have fake breasts, I can’t believe he’d give up this once in a lifetime opportunity to get a big chunk of cash and gifts from his family and friends. All of a sudden, all the wedding gifts are only about her. He gets nothing. No cash to help pay for the honeymoon or a down payment on a house. No cool gifts that he could take advantage of too. Just a lifelong silicone reminder that he got played for a sucker.
As it turns out, Louise was able to raise exactly enough money to pay for her breast implants. Her family and friends donated 2,000 pounds ($3,228) to the boob job fund, which matched the amount Louise had already saved. And like that, her 32Ds became 32DDs.
Louise got her breast augmentation last month, and she’s almost ready to reveal the results to the world. “My boobs are almost healed,” she said. “Soon I will be showing them off in all their glory!”
Just make sure you spare grandma the sight. I’m sure this travesty has given her enough grief already.
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