XXX-Rated Boobs

Warning – this XXX-rated blog post is not suitable for children under the age of 18. Please get a parent’s permission before continuing to read.

I feel the urge to point out an egregious oversight by the Guinness Book of World Records. They have unfairly denied a 35-year-old Minneapolis porn star/stripper her rightful pedestal on the Freakshow Hall of Fame. If she doesn’t epitomize what it takes to be a world record holder, then I don’t know who does. The dedication, the tenacity, the weight…

I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to walk around with a pair of size 164 XXX boobs, and you probably can’t either – that is, unless your name is Chelsea Charms. Yet despite the burden she carries (this albatross weighs about as much as 2 whole watermelons), the Guinness Book of World Records has still not opened its books to poor Chelsea. Right now, her XXX-rated knockers can only be viewed in the pages of the high brow literature sold at adult book stores. While Guinness has turned its back on Chelsea, Hustler and Buxotica have embraced her with open arms.

I have to admit, I can’t imagine anyone would actually get off on looking at a woman so grotesquely disfigured. I’d be willing to bet that each breast is larger than most human heads.

Illegal Breast Augmentation

If you are wondering how this happened, you will be happy to know that her condition is not a product of a traditional breast augmentation procedure. She doesn’t have gallons of silicone waiting to burst wide open through her body, but I’d be lying if I called her au naturale.

Chelsea’s torpedo boobs are the product of a surgical procedure which is no longer legal in this country. The procedure involves the insertion of a polypropylene string into each breast. This string irritates the breast lining and generates a serum that actually enlarges her breasts – indefinitely. Yes, they are currently at 164 XXX and still growing in leaps and bounds. By Chelsea’s estimates, “Itsy and Bitsy” are growing about one inch every month.

That’s right, she named them. And while I’m sure she was trying to be ironically cute with those names, I would just call them tasteless. They definitely invoke memories of a children’s nursery rhyme. I have a hard time reconciling those early childhood memories with someone who stuffs dollar bills down her bra to pay the rent.

Luckily for Chelsea, Itsy and Bitsy will most likely stop growing at some point. At least, that is what happened for all the other women who have undergone this procedure. Interestingly, the current world record holder for the largest breasts, Maxi Mounds, also had polypropylene string implants inserted into her breasts. However, she maxed out at 42 M. Clearly, she doesn’t hold a candle to Chelsea on the freak scale.

Despite providing her with a lucrative career in smut, Itsy and Bitsy have also created several problems for Chelsea:

• She has trouble eating (I guess the food just deposits right in her breasts?)
• She has to sleep on her back (at least the bed doesn’t break)
• She can’t fit into airplane toilets (I hope I never get stuck sitting next to her on an international flight)

Superhero Porn

Personally, I think Chelsea should accept the fact that her 164 XXXs have outgrown stripper poles and Hustler centerfolds. It’s time for her to graduate to the big time – adult movies.

She’s missing out on a golden opportunity. I’m talking about a HUGE paycheck. This could possibly become the greatest grossing porn film of all time. It would cash in on all the people who are drawn to big-breasted side show freaks as well as the hordes of horny comic book nerds just chomping at the bit to drool over a sexually-charged female heroine.

The movie would be called XXX-Men.

The plot would be simple. A bald pimp in a wheel chair would lead a group of mutant big-breasted women in a fight of good vs. evil. Since it’s a porn movie, our superheroes will have to be naked (sorry to disappoint all you comic book nerds looking to see Chelsea busting out of spandex tights).

Chelsea could be the porn version of Wolverine. Every time she is challenged, the polypropylene string will cause her breasts to grow bigger, and she will use them to defeat the bad guys in bed. She needs a good superhero porn name. How about…

Luscious Bombs

Luscious was born on a remote island filled with magical milky stalactites that supply her with mutant breasts. When Professor XXX arrived at the island looking to recruit new Super Whores, he stumbled upon Luscious giving a local tribal leader one of her patented Boobie Beatdowns. He used his superior mind powers to lure her onto the back of his motorized wheel chair, and she has been the leader of his mutant crew ever since.

Of course, we don’t want the current world record holder to feel left out. Maxi Mounds can be part of the mutant breast superhero crew too (code name: Maneater Mounds). But she’ll just be a sidekick, since XXX is bigger than M. And if Sheyla Hershey ever comes out of her coma and decides to put those KKK breast implants back in her body, she can join the team too. I’d say a fitting name for her would be Slumber Tits.

Maybe I’ve missed my calling. I think I might have a future in superhero porn. I wonder how many XXX-Men sequels I could milk out of Itsy and Bitsy before Chelsea gets tired of assuming her mutant alter ego, Luscious Bombs.