Boris is not your ordinary pig. He leads a rather charmed life in his home town of Rosewater, Australia. In fact, he has become the town celebrity and regularly receives cheers as he trots around the community sports hall. His celebrity status is most likely fueled by his grandiose 550 pound frame. That’s right, this porker weighs almost as much as two NFL offensive linemen. We’re talking about several years’ worth of bacon if his owners ever wanted to go that route.
But despite his larger-than-life status amongst the local townsfolk, Boris does have one major problem that has been interfering with his life. Boris is so fat that his skin droops over his eyes, preventing him from seeing properly.
Of course, we can’t have a 550 pound pig running around the Aussie countryside with fatty skin dropping over his eyes. He could wander the wrong way and get eaten by a hungry coyote. Something must be done to help this poor porker before it’s too late. At least, that seems to be the thought process exhibited by Graeme Cane, Boris’ owner. In a grand humanitarian gesture, Cane has decided to give Boris a brow lift so that he can see properly (editor’s note: I’m sure humanitarian is the wrong word here, but I can’t figure out what the animal equivalent would be).
The procedure will be performed by the local vet. I guess the local plastic surgeon didn’t want to taint his reputation by cutting into some swine. Boris will be transported to the vet’s office on a horse float. You would think that if the town of Rosewater has the technology to perform a brow lift on a pig, it would also have a flatbed truck lying around somewhere to get the pig to the procedure. This horse float seems like something out of the Middle Ages.
I sure hope all goes well on the cutting board. Otherwise, poor Boris might become the world’s largest pork chop. I call dibs on the ribs. Mmmm…pork ribs. Yummy. And you know that ribs a la Boris will be dripping with the succulent flavor that comes with being a 550 pound fatty.
Ironically, Boris was considered the runt of his litter, and the breeders never expected him to exceed 132 pounds. I guess he proved everyone wrong.
Mr. Cane has made Boris a full-fledged member of the family. He sleeps in a bed in the corner of the Canes’ master bedroom, eats pancakes for breakfast (could that be why he’s so fat?), and believe it or not, is fully toilet trained. I’m having flashes of a porcine Mr. Jinx.
Personally, I think the Canes are crazy to spend their money on plastic surgery for their pet pig. But then again, I think it’s crazy to have a pet pig. They should take this vision issue as a sign and gut the porker. They’ll end up with more bacon than the pan can handle. And maybe even some scrapple too.
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