Some stories are so good you need to tell them twice.
In Part 1, I explained all the wacky details regarding the story of Kristina B. Ross, a transsexual from Boise, Idaho who went around to local bars posing as Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna, a fake female plastic surgeon. She would perform “breast exams” on unsuspecting women at the bar under the guise that this was a preliminary evaluation for a future breast augmentation procedure. But in actuality, she really just wanted to feel up other women’s boobs.
In Part 2, you will get all of my brilliant, incisive commentary on this rather unusual situation. For the record, Kristina Ross is currently sitting in a jail cell (in a female prison) awaiting a trial for two felony counts of practicing medicine without a license. I find it hard to believe you can be charged with practicing medicine without a license if all you did was feel up a couple of drunk women at the bar. Last time I checked, that goes on in college towns across the country on a nightly basis.
My commentary for this story will be broken down into 3 categories:
- Fletch
- Cheers
- Boobs-Only Lesbians
Fletch
Did you really think I’d let a story like this pass without drawing some parallels to Fletch? In that movie, Chevy Chase was the master of creating false identities to get what he wanted. His names and back stories were often as creative (and thorough) as Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna’s.
Of course, the one that pops into my mind right away is John Cocktosten. That name is about as awkward as Berlyn Aussieahshowna, although in fairness to Fletch, he came up with that alias on the spot. I think it is safe to say Ms. Ross spent hours brainstorming the sonic blunder that is Aussieahshowna. In the world of Hollywood, Fletch was able to sell John Cocktosten hook, line, and sinker. Describing the name as Scotch-Romanian was an effective touch. But how drunk women in Idaho bars made the same mistake with a name like Aussieahshowna is beyond me. I wonder if she told them the name was Australian-Iraqi. Maybe that would have made it a bit more plausible.
I would think that a simpler name would have been more effective, especially since she went the extra mile and gave out the phone number of a real plastic surgery practice. This, of course, was most likely her undoing. Fletch would have never used the number of an actual plastic surgeon. His success was based on complete fabrications, not partial fabrications. If these women had called a wrong number, the police would probably never have gotten involved. But after getting sick of repeatedly receiving calls for the phony Dr. Aussieahshowna, the real plastic surgeon whose phone number was poached blew the whistle on what could have been a brilliant operation.
In hindsight, maybe she should have used one of Fletch’s aliases from when he was posing as a surgeon at the hospital. Dr. RosenRosen would have been a bit too obvious of a reference, but Dr. Rosenpenis would have been quite appropriate considering the truth about Dr. Aussieahsnowna’s original gender. Sadly, she is not quite as clever as me, nor as clever as Fletch for that matter.
Cheers
If you peruse back through Part 1 of this blog, you will see that I made several attempts to foreshadow the Cheers commentary that is about to unfold. Come on, this story begs for the comparison.
How would Dr. Aussieahshowna have fared as a character on Cheers? Here is how I see it:
- She would have had the undying admiration of Sam Malone, who would constantly be looking for ways to outdo her tactics for copping free feels at the bar. But I guess Sam Malone was the original Casanova. He didn’t really need to pretend to be a female plastic surgeon to get the ladies to undress in his bar.
- Woody would be standing behind the bar in amazement at Dr. Aussieahshowna’s stellar medical knowledge and the thoroughness with which she administered her exams. He would probably even go as far as to explain to the drunk ladies in the bar that they were in the presence of a great female plastic surgeon. Nobody ever accused Woody of being bright.
- Carla would not be able to contain herself as this ruse went down. Always the master of bluntness, she would have no choice but to tell these women how stupid they really were. Or would she? Perhaps she would just sit back, laugh, and enjoy the show while making snide comments behind these women’s backs. Tough to say with this one.
- Norm. I think he would just sit at the corner of the bar ignoring Cliff Claven’s incessant ramblings in order to watch the scene unfolding in front of his eyes. Never one to pay for his own beer, I could see him blackmailing Dr. Aussieahshowna into covering his bar tab in return for keeping his mouth shut.
- Frazier would obviously make some rather pompous psychological observations regarding Dr. Aussieahshowna’s gender identity issues, but deep down inside, he would really be wondering who had a bigger cock and balls – Dr. Aussieahshowna or his wife, Lilith.
Boobs-Only Lesbians
Our resident breast augmentation expert at Page 1, Dr. Candelaria, recently introduced me to the website boobsonlylesbians.com (note: do not open this link at work). Before viewing this website, I never knew that there was a sizeable percentage of women out there who considered themselves lesbians, yet had no interest in touching another vagina. They call themselves “boobs-only lesbians.”
It seems rather obvious that Dr. Aussieahshowna would align herself with these people, right? After all, she is clearly enamored with women’s breasts. Her obsession with them has compelled her to impersonate a female plastic surgeon at the local bar in order to have easy access to the equipment.
But is she really a boobs-only lesbian? I mean, at some point not that long ago, she was a man. Perhaps a man trapped in a woman’s body, but a man nonetheless. So I suppose this begs the question: Is she a boobs-only lesbian trapped in a man’s body or did she undergo a sex change so that she wouldn’t be considered a sex offender when she groped unsuspecting drunk women at the bar? I guess there is only one person who can really answer that question, and she is rotting in an Idaho jail cell – all by herself with no more breasts to fondle but her own surgically enhanced set. Does anyone else see the irony in this situation?
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