No Boob Jobs Allowed for Pirates of the Caribbean 4

If you are hoping to score a part in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, you had better be au naturale. Otherwise, the director will simply point your attention to the sign in his office reading, “Women with boob jobs need not apply.”

That’s right, there will be no breast implants for the pirate skanks in the fourth installment of this series. I suppose this will help make the film hold true to the time period. I doubt there were too many doctors performing breast augmentation in the 18^th Century.

Rob Marshall, the director for Pirates of the Caribbean 4, has placed the following ad with casting agents:

“Beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft 7in-5ft 8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.”

A man with a vision. I like that. But he is narrowing his applicant pool considerably. How many high quality actresses fit this description? If he could land a major talent who was 5ft 6in, I wonder if he’d pass because she is one inch too short. I guess he’d rather have a crappy actress of the right proportions than a talented actress who is just a bit off of his rather rigid aesthetic standards.

If she was 26, would anyone in the audience really be able to figure it out? Then again, doesn’t this guy realize that not all women living in that time period were between the ages of 18 and 25? I’m surprised he didn’t specify his desired breast size in this ad. Perhaps he should limit the search to only C cups?

If you have large fake breasts and you have your heart set on landing a role in this blockbuster flick, do not get your hopes up. It is unlikely that you will be able to pull the rug over Rob Marshall’s eyes. He is requiring all applicants to pass a breast implant detector test. I didn’t even know such a test existed. I’m sure this technology will soon be popping up in our nation’s airports so that the TSA can weed out all the Afghani Booby Bomber terrorists. Alas, these women will also have to sit on the sidelines when Pirates 4 is being filmed. There will be no breast implant bombs going off as Johnny Depp walks the plank.

To the Pamela Andersons of the world, do not distress. When was the last time the fourth installment of a movie series was actually worth seeing?

• X-Men 3 was so bad, they had to kill everyone off. No shot at a #4.
• Rocky 4, while holding a nostalgic place in my heart, is undeniably utter crap. Too much Cold War rhetoric and cop-out montage scenes. But the movie did spawn a generation of gym workout soundtracks.
• Lethal Weapon 4 – not terrible, but certainly nowhere near as good as the first couple of movies they made.
• The fourth Star Wars installment (Episode 1) had potential, but Lucas felt compelled to overuse an annoying Jar Jar Binks, setting the tone for a disappointing sequel trilogy.
• The last Indiana Jones movie (#4) probably should never have been made. I can’t believe Harrison Ford agreed to taint the legacy of one of his greatest characters with such a subpar movie.
• Batman & Robbin (#4 of the original Batman movies) – Arnold Schwarzenegger as a super villain with Terminatoresque one-liners. Maybe this is why he was forced to pursue a career in politics.

Perhaps even more shocking than Rob Marshall’s decision to ban all fake breasted women from the set of his movie is Johnny Depp’s decision to sign on for yet another ride on the Black Pearl. He’s got tons of money, I doubt he really needs to make a fourth Pirates movie that, based on the track record of most fourth installments, is destined to be a clunker. Besides, I’m sure Tim Burton has about 12 projects coming down the pike which absolutely could not be made without Depp’s contributions.