Hmm. All I can say is, are you serious?
A man in Charlotte, North Carolina is wanted by local authorities after he and his buddy robbed a Family Dollar store in the area. The heist — $48 worth of laundry detergent. Oh, and both men are cross-dressers.
But wait, it gets better. Their getaway car was a rental. Brilliant. It’s going to be hard to track that one fellas (can you call a cross-dresser a fellow?).
During the getaway, they unsuccessfully attempted to run over a witness in the parking lot. The store manager swears it was intentional. I’m sorry, but can anyone truly be that bad of a driver? A person is a pretty big target. If you are trying to hit the guy, you’ve gotta hit the guy. No excuses. Bonus points if you rupture his spleen.
Somehow, the witness used his ninja-like reflexes to narrowly avoid a crushing blow at the hands of a rented Mitsubishi Galant driven by two cross-dressers stealing laundry detergent. Congrats buddy. You have one hell of a story to tell your grandkids.
Would you believe I haven’t even gotten to the truly bizarre part of the story yet? This next part even floored me, and I’m a pretty tough audience to shock these days (see my last few blogs and you’ll understand why).
One man has already been apprehended by the police, but his partner, Mitchelle E. Anthony, is still at large and apparently in hiding. Yes, his name is Mitchelle. Not Mitchell, not Michelle, but Mitchelle. I guess the dude just couldn’t figure out which one to choose. Why not have the best of both worlds?
I wonder how that would work with my name? Andrewea? Not quite Andrew, not quite Andrea, but Andrewea. A hideous thought. Let’s just pretend I never went there.
And now, back to the good part of our story…
Mitchelle is apparently aware that he is now a wanted fugitive of the law. We know this because he called police headquarters to inform them that he promises to turn himself in…
…once he has recovered from breast augmentation.
And the best part? The police response: “OK.”
I suppose there isn’t a sense of urgency to bring in a person wanted for stealing $48 of laundry detergent, even if he did try to kill someone in the process. But really? You are going to let this MAN tell you he is slowly recovering from breast augmentation, and he needs to rest before coming in for questioning?
The funny thing about this whole situation is that Mitchelle probably needs to buy all new clothes to accommodate his perky new breast implants. Why does he even need to wash his old clothes?
I suppose if you need that much detergent, you probably haven’t done laundry in about 5 years, so maybe your clothes stink to high hell. Maybe the new wardrobe for his breast implants is a blessing in disguise.
According to Mitchelle’s friends, he has fully recovered from his operation and is hiding out somewhere. Now the police have lost all their leads. Too bad, I’m sure they could have found him while he was bed-ridden nursing his swollen new breasts. Now they just have to face the embarrassment of letting a cross-dressing laundry detergent thief slip through their fingers because they allowed HIM to recover from breast augmentation.
I personally think Mitchelle made the right choice in hiding out. I have a feeling he would have been some big dude’s whipping boy in the big house with those nice new implants and a name like Mitchelle. Better not drop the soap.
Police are asking anyone with information on this highly crafty fugitive to contact them at once. He may be dressed like a man. He may be dressed like a woman. It’s just too hard to say one way or the other. But he will definitely have rather large breasts.
Oh, and he’s HUGE — 5’6″, 230 pounds. Did he really need breast augmentation at that weight? He probably already had pretty hefty man-boobs. Here’s a mug shot of Mitchelle to help you in your search:
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