To Win Back Ex-Boyfriend, Woman from China Gets Plastic Surgery to Look Like Jessica Alba

I had a tough time deciding what to write this week’s blog about. Here were some of my top choices:

• NFL cheerleaders and plastic surgery (in honor of the Super Bowl) — unfortunately, I couldn’t dig up anything good on the topic
• Labiaplasty blog on women with two vaginas — yes, Tyra Banks actually found 5 such women and put them on her show recently (is she any better than Jerry Springer?) — this one may have been a bit too racy for me to handle without getting fired
• The popularity of different plastic surgery procedures based on region of the country — boring!

Fortunately, I came across a story about a woman in the throes of desperation, driven to extreme measures in order to win back her boyfriend. I’m sure plenty of you can relate to the feeling. There’s no telling what people will do to hold onto someone they love until they are faced with the very real threat of losing that person. These are often the stories that make up the rather one-dimensional plots of screwball comedies. Except on the big screen, we tend to laugh at these situations. When it involves someone we know and care about, the response is generally more like, “D’oh!”

Xiaoqing is a 21-year-old woman from China. Her 28-year-old boyfriend recently broke up with her and she hasn’t been the same since. Her devastation is so all-encompassing that she is ready to try anything — and I mean anything — to win him back. This includes undergoing extensive plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba, her ex-boyfriend’s favorite actress (he’s reportedly obsessed with her films — I guess there’s no accounting for taste in China).

Wait a minute, didn’t I just write about this recently? Someone getting extensive plastic surgery to look like a famous Jessica? Oh wait, that was Jessica Rabbit. I’m not sure which is worse, a British woman in her late 50s trying to look just like a cartoon character or a Chinese woman trying to look like a blond Caucasian bombshell. Either way, these people need serious therapy. Crazy plastic surgery junkies, what’s wrong with looking like yourself? That was so 20^th Century. Today, it’s all about looking like someone else. Why be original when you can pay someone to cut you up and make you look like your favorite celebrity?

If I were to get plastic surgery to look like someone famous, I’d choose Michael Jackson. That would really confuse the crap out of the plastic surgeon. Which of his 18 different noses should I choose? What would my skin color be? The options are limitless. “Doc, I’ll take MJ’s 1987 nose, his 1992 skin complexion, and his 1976 eyes. Oh, and make sure I get his pre-Pepsi commercial ‘I’m on fire’ accident hair.” I would have so much fun watching the bewildered expression on the surgeon’s face as he tried to talk me out of my impending plastic surgery nightmare. I guess I just have a sick and twisted sense of humor.

But back to our story…

Xiaoqing went to a hospital in Shanghai for her procedure. The doctors didn’t want to sugar coat it for her. They told her it would take a miracle the equivalent of Moses parting the Red Sea to make an Asian girl look like a blond Caucasian woman, especially one with a face as iconic as Jessica Alba’s. But Xiaoqing is unflappable in her resolve. She will get her boyfriend back, no matter what it takes.

And what will it take, you ask? I can’t say for certain, but I’ll venture to speculate:

• Blepharoplasty — Definitely, without a doubt, must be done! We need to round out those eyes, don’t you think?
• Lip implants — Jessica’s are much poutier than Xiaoqing’s.
• Breast augmentation — Another must-have, don’t you think?
• Liposuction — I haven’t seen Xiaoqing’s body, but I doubt she has Jessica’s curves.
• Rhinoplasty — We need to reconstruct this girl’s face, so let’s just throw in the nose job for good measure.

Of course, she may need several other procedures as well. After all, she is trying to look like a famous actress.

Xiaoqing:

Jessica Alba:

You might be wondering how a 21-year-old girl from Communist China can afford all this plastic surgery. An excellent question. I was wondering the same thing myself. In a brief moment of generosity, the hospital decided to perform the surgery free of charge in return for the rights to publicize her story across the globe.

No kidding. I guess there is no Hippocratic Oath for doctors in China. Instead of turning this poor woman away and referring her to psychologist (the honorable and ethical decision), they chose to whore themselves out for a little worldwide press. Ah, to be a plastic surgery pimp.

Here is Xiaoqing’s rationalization for her life-altering decision: “As a member of the younger generation in this country, I have a choice to decide what I want in life. I have never been able to let him go. If in the end, he still does not accept me after I undergo the plastic surgeries, I will give up. I will then choose to let go, start afresh and live life by myself.”

My commentary:

• You can choose to decide what you want in life, but so can your ex-boyfriend. Clearly, he chose to NOT keep you in his life. Deal with it. Don’t be a spoiled brat and act like it is your right to make him be with you. Life doesn’t work that way, no matter what country you live in.
• If he chooses to take you back after your surgery, I would be a bit skeptical about your relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who would only take you back because you looked like his favorite celebrity vixen? That isn’t really the type of person you want to date. There are over a billion people in China. I’m sure you can find someone with a little more substance and integrity than that.
• If this doesn’t work, do you really think you are going to give up? Really? Don’t insult my intelligence. You are crazy enough to undergo massive plastic surgery to look like a completely different person. You will not stop just because he says, “Sorry. I still don’t want you.” I’m not sure what crazy plan you’ll hatch next, but let’s be clear about one thing. This will not be your last attempt to win back this dude. Can we say restraining order?
• When he eventually rejects you AGAIN, which I’m sure he will because you are clearly CRAZY, you will have to start afresh by living your life by yourself, but looking like someone else. Not only will you be alone, you will broadcast to the rest of the world that you are completely nuts, and no one will ever want to date you again. Even if you do look like Jessica Alba.
• Oh, and what are the odds that the plastic surgeon will be able to pull off this miracle? What happens when you come out of surgery looking not like Xiaoqing and not like Jessica Alba, but like some mish-mashed monstrosity? Then what? How’s your ex-boyfriend going to react if you look like a freak? This is the gift that keeps on giving. You will forever have a constant reminder of the lowest moment of your life every time you look in the mirror. Most likely, you will not like what you see.

Sorry to be harsh, Xiaoqing. I’m just calling it like it is.