Implants of Mass Destruction

Every so often, I hear something that is so insane, it makes me long for a simpler time. A time like the Cold War. When our enemies were a bunch of crazy Russians who shot steroids and lived in the frozen tundra (think Ivan Drago from Rocky IV — “I must break you.”). Back then, all we had to worry about was a massive nuclear warhead launching half-way across the globe to cover us in a radiation cloud, ending civilization as we know it. A quick and painless death. Our skin would just melt off our faces in a matter of seconds. Now that is a way to go.

Terrorists? They were a joke back in the days of the Cold War. Their ineptitude was chronicled in such horrific propaganda flicks as The Delta Force, where Chuck Norris would single-handedly bring down entire terrorist organizations in less than 90 minutes. Ah, those were the days.

Today, the Russians are not evil, and any potential steroid use by their athletes is completely overshadowed by the widespread juicing in Major League Baseball. While a massive nuclear warhead could still put a hole the size of the Grand Canyon where we currently reside, none of us really worries about that as a real threat. After all, the last time we tried to hunt down these alleged weapons, we came up empty handed. Nuclear weapons — ha! That was so 1985.

This is 2010. Terrorists have become smart — much smarter than our Homeland Security people. We dare not show them The Delta Force — it may anger today’s terrorist organizations, prompting them to venture out of their Afghani caves and unleash their wrath on us, just to make Chuck Norris pay. We can’t bring deodorant or toothpaste on planes. We have to take off our shoes to pass through security check points. Do these TSA people really think I’m hiding a bomb in my flip flops? Really?

What can possibly be next? What new absurdity will 2010 bring that our current efforts to thwart global terror have overlooked?

I’ll tell you. Today’s terrorists have taken global fear to new levels that even I never imagined possible. They have transformed plastic surgery from beauty tool of the vain and insecure into the harbinger of death. I kid you not.

Recently, British intelligence learned that Muslim plastic surgeons trained in London’s finest teaching hospitals have returned to their home countries to use their newfound skills against their Western mentors. They are constructing newer, more refined terrorist soldiers. They will be almost impossible to distinguish from ordinary civilians. Meet the latest addition to the War on Terror — Boobie Bombers.

Al-Qaida plastic surgeons are performing breast augmentation on a new generation of suicide bombers. Explosive devices made from pentaerythritol Tetrabitrate (PETN) are being placed into silicone breast implants. Female suicide bombers are being pumped full of this lethal silicone as we speak. Shortly, they will be ready to bring down entire airplanes with their exploding hooters, thanks of course to the fine training of Western doctors. Once again, we have armed Arab terrorists with an arsenal of knowledge and technology which they plan on using to wipe us off the planet. Bravo. We have really outdone ourselves this time.

Of course, we wouldn’t want the male terrorists to feel left out. While they obviously cannot compete with the Boobie Bombers in the chest bomb market, there are other ways to deliver Implants of Mass Destruction. If you have a set of balls hanging between your legs, you can still help blow up planes. They make exploding buttock implants too. They may give you a bit of a badonkadonk, but if you want to get in on the action, you will have to make some sacrifices.

Apparently, it only takes about 5 ounces of PETN to bring down an entire plane. For those of you less in-the-know about all things plastic surgery, that is not very much. Heidi Montag probably has more silicone than that in her cheeks. When buried in a full size breast implant, that little bit of explosive will be pretty hard to detect.

Plastic surgeons and security experts have confirmed this fact. It will be almost impossible to spot these implant bombs in the new full-body scanners being unleashed in airports across America. Once again, we have spent billions of dollars on absolutely worthless technology that will do little more than annoy the crap out of us every time we get on a plane. Isn’t that the American way?

I’m not exactly sure what the answer to this new terror threat will be. I don’t think you can ban all plastic surgery patients from flying. Maybe we’ll start requiring born-on dates for all breast implants. Those inserted before February 12, 2010 are fit to fly. All others, well you gotta sit this one out. It’s not like you can make people take their breast and butt implants out of their body to go through the x-ray scanners. We seem to be in a bit of a conundrum here.

But enough talk about the ineptitude of American Homeland Security. Now I’d like to talk about the hypocrisy of Muslim terrorists.

I have spent a fair amount of time researching Islam’s stance on plastic surgery. Here’s what I found out:

• Allah permits plastic surgery only if it is correcting a physical defect which attracts the mockery and scorn of others. The reason this is acceptable is that these physical defects inflict psychological pain on the victims, and all-merciful Allah doesn’t want His faithful disciples to suffer any pain or embarrassment which may make life miserable.
• Allah does NOT permit plastic surgery for purposes of excessive beautification.

In other words, if you have a genetic defect that makes you look hideous to others, then and only then can you have plastic surgery to feel more attractive. But if society would normally view you as attractive (or at least not hideous), then plastic surgery is considered self-mutilation. This is against the will of Allah, who wants you to look like he wanted you to look (that is, unless he made you look hideous). A bit hypocritical don’t you think? Who gets to determine whether your small breasts are a genetic deformity or simply something you have to deal with?

Anyway, there was one category I did not find discussed by Islamic scholars. There is no mention of plastic surgery as a means to blow up Western infidels. Apparently, Allah has made no provisions which allow surgical enhancement to teach us dirty Westerners a lesson. Therefore, it seems like Allah does not permit plastic surgery to blow up airplanes. Those hypocritical terrorists. They are dooming these poor suicide bombers to an afterlife in Hell.

Although, I’m sure they use powerful rhetoric to recruit these new plastic surgery bombers. I’m sure the men who get butt implant bombs are told of the harems of virgins that await them once they die for the Cause. There’s one problem with this rhetoric. Don’t you think a butt implant will blow off their genitals? What in the hell are they going to do with a harem of virgins if they have no genitals? It just doesn’t make any sense.

This leads me
to my next question. Do our Boobie Bombers get harems of male virgins after they blow themselves up? Does Allah permit female terrorists to get harems of male virgins or is He sexist? I would think it should work both ways, although I somehow think that a harem of premature ejaculators (I mean male virgins) would not be all that appealing to our female terrorists. Maybe they have a different strategy to recruit the women bombers. I just don’t know.

What I do know is that plastic surgery will never be the same. The next time I see a woman with fake breasts, I’m instantly going to wonder if she has a bomb lodged in those bombs. That is the most tragic side effect of this whole mess.