I hope you like chicken because today’s uplifting story is brought to you by that funky bird that goes cluck in the coup. Sometimes, it pays to be cheap. If this woman had gone all in for a boob job right away, I may not be writing about this pretty amazing, albeit strange, story. But fortunately, she preferred poultry to silicone, and that might be the only thing that kept her alive after a catastrophic car accident.
First, let me start by saying I’m not quite sure what chicken fillets are or why you’d want to stick them in your bra in the first place. I have to assume that they are not the kind of chicken fillets made by Frank Purdue. Those would be pretty slimy and disgusting next to your breasts, and they’d also probably start to smell after a few minutes. But most importantly, how many guys can you flash your hooters to in the bedroom if they were real deal chicken fillets? I can’t imagine you’d have a bunch of dudes lining up to get salmonella in return for copping a feel.
Now onto today’s rather bizarre story.
A woman from Scotland, let’s just call her Colonel Sanders for fun, was recently involved in a near-fatal car accident. While driving home on a rainy night, Colonel Sanders lost control of her vehicle and veered into oncoming traffic, where her car was crushed by the impact. Firefighters had to pry her from the vehicle. She was transported to the hospital and treated for a punctured lung, four cracked ribs, and a broken nose.
Luckily for Colonel Sanders, she decided to double up on the chicken fillets in her bra that day to give her AAA cup breasts a bit more oomph. That little bit of padding prevented her broken ribs from piercing her heart.
This is actually not as unusual as you might think. I’ve come across stories of breast implants saving lives. Two years ago, a woman’s breast implant proved bullet proof, saving her life after her crazy husband tried to pop a cap in her boob following a request for a divorce. Last year, a Russian woman’s breast implant saved her life from being stabbed by her husband. I suppose if you married a psycho, silicone is the way to go. But if your driving skills are more dangerous to your health than your spouse, you are better off padding your bra with something finger lickin’ good.
Ironically, Colonel Sanders has been reluctantly wearing these chicken fillets since she was a teenager. Embarrassment over her small breasts drove her to seek comfort in an overstuffed roaster, but this was clearly just the lesser of two evils. “I hated my chicken fillets and constantly feared they’d fall out at the most embarrassing moment. But that night, for the first time in my life, I was grateful for them,” she said.
Unfortunately, this miraculous incident drew attention to the fact that she preferred artificial breast meat. The knowledge that all of her friends knew she wore chicken fillets left her more depressed and insecure than ever.
So what did she do? She traded in her skewered chicken fillets for a silicone upgrade. After undergoing breast augmentation, she is the proud owner of new E-cup breasts (a bit overzealous, don’t you think?), and she’s never been happier (or bigger). “I’m even giving my new boobs a birthday celebration to mark their anniversary I love them so much,” Colonel Sanders has boasted with pride.
Well, that’s a first. A breast implant birthday party. I wonder if she’ll be serving chicken fillets to commemorate the occasion.
If you live in the Greenwood, South Carolina area and would like to undergo breast augmentation, please contact Piedmont Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. Breast implants may not save your life in a car accident, but they are much less embarrassing (and disgusting) than stuffing chicken fillets in your bra.
